


Outtakes

by pissedoffeskimo



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crack, Crying, Cuddling, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Orgies, everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-07 10:49:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1896252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pissedoffeskimo/pseuds/pissedoffeskimo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teen Wolf episodic script play. The little things my deviant brain hears with every episode, mostly because I watched way too much MST3K as a child.  Due to the nature of this, there are most assuredly spoilers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Season 1

** Episode 1: Wolf Moon  
**

**Scott** : We’re seriously doing this?

 **Stiles** : You’re the one always bitching that nothing ever happens in this town.

 **Scott** : Why do I put up with this again?

 **Stiles** : Mostly because I’m awesome, but also the blowjobs. Those two are not mutually exclusive, by the way. Now come on.

 **Scott** : But… I wanted to get rest before practice tomorrow.

 

 

** Episode 2: Second Chance at First Line  
**

**Stiles** : Just try not to worry about too much while you’re out there, okay? Or get too angry. Or stressed.

 **Scott** : I got it.

 **Stiles** : Don’t think about Allison being in the stands. Or that her father’s trying to kill you. Or that Derek’s trying to kill you. Or the girl he killed. Or that you might kill someone if a Hunter doesn’t kill you first. Definitely don’t think about that bet we made over the summer or that if we lose a game you’re actually playing in, you’ll have to wear ladies’ underwear for the next week. Or that if we win the game, I’ll be wearing ladies’ underwear for a week. ‘Cause that may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, in retrospect, getting your blood pressure up thinking about me in lacy panties probably wasn’t the best incentive we could have come up with.

 **Scott** : I’m not letting you out of the bet just because I got bit by a werewolf and you’ve suddenly realized you’re gonna lose.

 **Stiles** : But… werewolf bite. That’s like cheating.

 **Scott** : No, it isn’t. It’s not like I went out looking to get bitten and being able to use this thing to get you into panties is the first good thing to come out of it. Bet’s still on and we are winning this game.

 **Stiles** : …good luck.

 

 

** Episode 3: Pack Mentality **

**Mrs. McCall** : And, by the way, do either of you care that there’s a police enforced curfew?

 **Scott** / **Stiles** : No.

 **Mrs. McCall** : No, alright then. Well, you know what? That’s about enough parenting for me for one night. Just… goodnight. *walks out*

 **Scott** / **Stiles** : …

 **Mrs. McCall** : *walks back in* Use a condom. Now, I’m done. *walks out*

 

 

** Episode 4: Magic Bullet **

**Stiles** : I don’t think you should be barking orders with the way you look. And… and, in fact, I think, if I wanted to, I could drag your little werewolf ass into the middle of the road and leave you for dead.

 **Derek** : Start the car, or I’m gonna rip your throat out. With my teeth.

 **Stiles** : *starts the car, mumbling* As apposed to what, your cock?

 **Derek** : I heard that. And if I survive this, we’ll explore that option.

 **Stiles** : That wasn’t… I didn’t… shut up and let me drive.

 

 

** Episode 5: The Tell **

**Sheriff** : Please tell me I’m gonna hear good news at this parent/teacher thing.

 **Stiles** : Depends on how you define good news?

 **Sheriff** : I define it as you getting straight A’s and not having been caught in a supply closet making out with your boyfriend. Again.

 **Stiles** : He’s not my boyfriend, Dad, we’re… best friends with benefits.

 **Sheriff** : Stiles…

 **Stiles** : Just… might want to rethink that definition, that’s all.

 

 

** Episode 6: Heart Monitor  
**

**Scott** : Still not talking to me?

 **Stiles** : …

 **Scott** : Can you at least tell me if your dad’s okay? I mean it’s just a bruise right? Some soft tissue damage? Nothing… that big?

 **Stiles** : …

 **Scott** : You know I feel really bad about it, right?

 **Stiles** : …

 **Scott** : Okay. What if I told you that I’m trying to figure this whole thing out and… that I went to Derek for help?

 **Stiles** : If I was talking to you, I’d say that you’re an idiot for trusting him, but obviously, I’m not talking to you.

 **Scott** : What if I offered to skip next class and give you a handy?

 **Stiles** : My dad could have been killed.

 **Scott** : Fine. A blow job.

 **Stiles** : And?

 **Scott** : And… I’ll let you fondle my nipples.

 **Stiles** : There we go.

 **Scott** : You know that makes me really uncomfortable.

 **Stiles** : Yeah, but I enjoy it and this is about me.

 **Scott** : I thought this was about your dad.

 **Stiles** : Hey, we agreed not to bring parents into the benefits part of our friendship. Unless, of course, you want me to show up in scrubs again.

 **Scott** : Fine.

 **Stiles** : Fine. … I’m sorry, dude, I’m not that mad. We don’t have to do the nipple thing.

 **Scott** : No, I kind of get off on it, just… I’m not a girl, you know.

 **Stiles** : Scott, between your six pack and your dick, it’s pretty clear you’re not a girl.

 **Scott** : Thanks, man.

 **Teacher** : Are two finished or is there something else you’d like to share with the class?

 

 

** Episode 7: Night School **

**Stiles** : Blood spurted out of his mouth, okay? That doesn’t exactly qualify as a minor injury. He’s dead and we’re next.

 **Scott** : Okay, okay, just… what do we do?

 **Stiles** : … Quickie in the supply closet for old times’ sake?

 **Scott** : What?! No!

 **Stiles** : But I don’t want to die a virgin!

 **Scott** : Number of times you’ve sucked my cock, I’m not sure you qualify as a virgin anymore and, even if you do, nothing is going near my ass tonight. Now, come up with a better plan!

 

 

** Episode 8: Lunatic **

**Scott** : *pulls out chains* Think I was gonna let you put these on? Chain me up like a dog?

 **Stiles** : Maybe? If you were feeling kinky.

 **Scott** : What?

 **Stiles** : Hah! *cuffs Scott to radiator* Fell for it!

 

 

** Episode 9: Wolf’s Bane **

**Jackson** : I know what you are McCall.

 **Scott** : What?

 **Jackson** : I know what you are.

 **Scott** : No, just… look, just because me and Stiles fool around doesn’t make me, you know, gay. Strictly.

 **J** a **ckson** : What? No, not that. God, everyone knows about that.

 **Scott** : Everyone?

 **Jackson** : Everyone.

 **Scott** : … Does everyone include Allison?

 **Jackson** : Did I say everyone except Allison? No, I said everyone.

 **Scott** : Oh, god.

 **Jackson** : Get ahold of yourself, Romeo. She’s your guys’ biggest fan.

 **Scott** : Really?!

 **Jackson** : You know what, no, this is not what I came here to talk to you about.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Peter** : That’s not nice. She’s my nurse.

 **Derek** : She’s a psychotic bitch helping you kill people. *to Stiles* Get out of the way.

 **Stiles** : Ah, damn, you are so hot right now.

 **Derek** : Stiles…

 **Stiles** : Scott was right, I’m ass over heals for you. Literally. I’m pretty flexible, so…

 **Derek** : Get down!

 

 

** Episode 10: Co-Captain **

**Stiles** : *runs in* Dude, we’ve got a huge problem.

 **Scott** : Trust me, I know.

 **Stiles** : No, you don’t.

 **Scott** : I know about Peter. Derek was here. With him.

 **Stiles** : Oh, well, okay, yeah, that too, but, also I think I, uh, I think I like Derek. As in, _like_ like him.

 **Scott** : What?

 **Stiles** : And I kind of told him.

 **Scott** : How did he react?

 **Stiles** : He told me to get down, then tried to kill his crazy uncle, or stop his crazy uncle from killing me, I’m still not sure. I think it’s progress.

 **Scott** : You do like a project.

 **Stiles** : It helps with the ADHD.

 

 

** Episode 11: Formality **

**Jackson** : You want me to take her to the formal?

 **Scott** : I don’t want you to, I need you to.

 **Jackson** : You know what? Screw you. Screw you, too. In fact, screw each other.

 **Stiles** : That’s an option.

 **Scott** : What?

 **Stiles** : If it’ll help. I’m just saying, I’m up for it.

 **Scott** : That is so sweet of you.  Man, you really are my best friend.

 **Stiles** : With benefits.

 **Scott** : And the benefits are good.

 **Jackson** : Are you two done? God, you’re so sweet together it’s pathetic.

 

 

** Episode 12: Code Breaker **

**Peter** : Call your friend. Tell Jackson where she is. That’s all you get.

 **Stiles** : You know you really have the market cornered on creepy uncle.

 **Peter** : Oh, you have no idea. Just wait till I get you alone in a parking garage.

 **Stiles** : That is… not nearly as upsetting as it should be.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** : Dad, tell me.  Look, we know it has something to do with Derek.

 **Sheriff** : I thought you two said you barely knew him.

 **Stiles** : Okay, we might know him a little better then that.

 **Sheriff** : How much better?

 **Stiles** : Remember when I said I didn’t have a boyfriend?

 **Sheriff** : Stiles, you can not be serious!

 **Stiles** : Well, it isn’t official or even unofficially official. I’m actually not sure what he even thinks of the idea, because he disappeared before he could tell me, but…

 **Sheriff** : *grabs Stiles* You do realize that I’m elected to this position?

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** : And then Allison’s dad showed up and he threw me around and questioned me.

 **Scott** : Dude, really? What is it with you and older men?

 **Stiles** : I know right. I mean, I get it with my dad. I’m a pain in his ass.

 **Scott** : You’re a pain in a lot of peoples' asses.

 **Stiles** : I am, but Peter and Mr. Argent? In the same night? That was just uncalled for.

 **Scott** : Maybe…

 **Stiles** : What?

 **Scott** : Maybe it was for the fangirls.

 **Stiles** : Oh, god, I hope not.

 **Scott** : Why?

 **Stiles** : Because then it might happen again next season.


	2. Season 2

** Episode 1: Omega **

_*Scott caught in the trap*_

**Allison** : Everything okay?

 **Scott** : Just another life threatening conversation with your dad, about as awkward as the safe sex talk my mom gave me and Stiles the first time she caught us in the shower.

 **Stiles** : Hey, I remember that.

 **Allison** : Wait, first time? Has she caught you in the shower more then once?

 **Scott** : You sound upset. Are you upset?

 **Allison** : Not upset, I just feel kind of left out. I want to catch you in the shower with Stiles. Or, maybe Stiles could catch us in the shower and we could offer to let him join?

 **Stiles** : *undignified squeak*

 **Allison** : Or…

 **Scott** : God, as much as I would really, really like this conversation to continue, I’d rather do it when I’m not hanging by my ankle from a tree.

 **Allison** : Right, sorry.

 **Stiles** : *to Scott* I seriously kind of hate you right now.

 

 

** Episode 2: Shape Shifted **

**Coach** : Stalinsky, what the hell is wrong with your friend?

 **Stiles** : He’s failing two classes. He’s a little socially awkward. He gets an A+ for enthusiasm, but even after two years of backroom BJ’s, he still doesn’t have his gag reflex under control, and if you look close enough, he jaw line’s kinda uneven. Also, he curves a little to the left. It’s subtle, but you get that thing far enough down your throat, it’s hard to miss.

 **Coach** : I knew better then to ask. God, I knew better and I still did it.

 

 

** Episode 3: Ice Pick **

_*Derek picking Erica up at the school*_

**Erica** : *gets in the car*

 **Derek** : *smiles, drives off*

 **Scott** : What was that?

 **Stiles** : Either he’s making a show for your benefit about his newest werewolf or he’s trying to make me jealous.

 **Scott** : Maybe. Is it working? Are you jealous?

 **Stiles** : No. … Yes.

 

 

** Episode 4: Abomination **

**Allison** : I think you mean…

 **Stiles** : No, Bestiary. You two… I don’t even want to know what goes on in your minds.

 **Allison** : Fanfic.

 **Stiles** : You wha… Excuse me?

 **Allison** : No, it’s… He’s a werewolf and there isn’t exactly a book I can check out on how to please a werewolf, sexually. So, I looked on the internet and found all these stories about werewolves, you know, having sex. Not factual stories, but…

 **Stiles** : Fanfic?

 **Allison** : Yeah, except now I’m kind of worried. Human Scott is awesome, but we’ve never really gotten there with him all wolfed out and I’m kind of afraid of…

 **Stiles** : Of what?

 **Allison** : …

 **Stiles** : Just say it, okay?

 **Allison** : Does he have a knot? Because everything I read online says werewolves have knots and that’s kind of weird and I’m not sure I’m okay with that.

 **Stiles** : I don’t know!

 **Allison** : Could you find out?

 **Stiles** : … be right back.

_-fifteen minutes later-_

**Stiles** : *panting* You’re good. No knot. So, back to the Bestiary.

 

 

** Episode 5: Venomous **

**Coach** : Jackson! You have something you want to share with the rest of the class?

 **Jackson** : Scott does not have herpes. It’s probably just a blister from too much masturbation or frottage or whatever freaky shit those two are up to.

 **Scott** : Oh, my god.

 **Coach** : Well, that’s a relief. Now, pay attention.

 **Stiles** : *to Jackson* Not cool, dude.

 

 

** Episode 6: Frenemy **

**Allison** : I need you to promise not to say a word about what just happened.

 **Lydia** : Okay, if you tell me what the hell just happened?!

 **Allison** : It’s kind of complicated. See, Scott and Stiles are best friends with benefits. A lot of benefits. Really hot, steamy, sexy benefits. And me and Scott are dating, which means I’m allowed to sample those benefits. Second hand, of course, I’m not a total slut. So when we said we were going upstairs to change, what we really meant was…

 **Lydia** : Oh, I know what you really meant. I walked in on it and that was so not what I was talking about. Why was Derek there?

 **Allison** : Stiles has a thing for Derek. Huge. It’s epic. I think he’s somewhere between terrified and in love with him. Now, I haven’t really had a chance to talk to Derek about it, but I get the impression he can’t decide whether to be annoyed or amused by him, but either way, it isn’t happening. Scott says Stiles is really good at wearing people down, though, so…

 **Lydia** : No, outside the house, Allison. Before the three of you had your little oral exam in Scott’s bedroom. Are you being deliberately stupid about this?

 **Allison** : …maybe.

 

 

** Episode 7: Restraint **

**Mrs. McCall** : What is going on with you?

 **Stiles** : *shaking head*

 **Scott** : Do you really want to know?

 **Stiles** : *shaking head*

 **Mrs. McCall** : Yeah.

 **Stiles** : *shaking head*

 **Scott** : Stiles is in love with Derek.

 **Stiles** : *mouthing* What?!

 **Mrs. McCall** : What?

 **Scott** : I’m just taking it a lot harder then I thought I would. First I lose Allison and now Stiles is moving on and I know I said we were just friends, but it’s hard to let him go.

 **Mrs. McCall** : Oh, honey. Come on, let’s go get you some ice cream and talk.

 **Stiles** : *mouthing* I hate you.

 **Scott** : *mouthing* I’m sorry.

 

 

** Episode 8: Raving **

**Scott** : No, I mean you. I don’t want you to get hurt.

 **Isaac** : …

 **Scott** : …

 **Isaac** : Why are you staring at me?

 **Scott** : Why are _you_ staring at _me_?

 **Isaac** : The way you said that, it sounded deep and meaningful.

 **Scott** : You’re kind of pretty.

 **Isaac** : What?

 **Scott** : Nothing. You asked why I was staring. You’re kind of pretty.

 **Isaac** : … Thank you?

 

 

** Episode 9: Party Guessed **

**Allison** : Matt, some of those pictures. I… I… I don’t even know how you took them.

 **Matt** : Telephoto lens. I mean, come on, Allison. Photographers call them candids.

 **Allison** : Really? What about the ones from inside the supply closet, when I was watching Stiles and Scott? There wasn’t even a window in there.

 **Matt** : Well, that… just…

 **Allison** : And Scott’s bathroom? His _shower_? Really, Matt? Telephoto lens is the best you can come up with?

 **Matt** : …Stiles paid me to do it?

 **Allison** : That is… almost believable, but no!

 

 

** Episode 10: Fury **

**Matt** : It’s like a freakin’ Halloween party every full moon. Except for you, Stiles. What do you turn into?

 **Stiles** : Abominable Snowman, but, uh, it’s more of, like, a winter time thing. You know, seasonal.

 **Jackson** : *scratches Stiles*

 **Stiles** : Bitch *falls on Derek* Never mind. We’re good.

 **Derek** : No, we’re not.

 **Stiles** : Hey, now, is that an erection in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

 **Derek** : Get him off me.

 

 

** Episode 11: Battlefield **

**Stiles** : He does this every year.

 **Mrs. McCall** : Seriously?

 **Stiles** : Yeah.

 **Mrs. McCall** : Wait, is this?

 **Stiles** : Yeah, it’s the speech from Independence Day. It’s Coach’s favorite movie.

 **Mrs. McCall** : He doesn’t know any sport’s speeches?

 **Stiles** : Eh, I don’t think he cares.

 **Mrs. McCall** : Stiles, honey, we need to talk about Scott.

 **Stiles** : No, we don’t.

 **Mrs. McCall** : Yeah, we do.

 **Stiles** : But…

 **Mrs. McCall** : Stiles.

 **Stiles** : Yeah, okay. *planning revenge*

 

 

** Episode 12: Master Plan **

**Derek** : We need to talk.

 **Peter** : All of us.

 **Scott** : Holy shit!

 **Isaac** : Who’s that?

 **Scott** : That’s Peter, everyone’s favorite creepy uncle. Well, Stiles’ favorite creepy uncle.

 **Peter** : His favorite? I’m flattered.

 **Scott** : Oh, you should be. I’ve heard about his dream. In detail.

 **Derek** : Wait, what? Have you… with Stiles?

 **Peter** : A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.

 **Derek** : …

 **Peter** : What? I thought you weren’t interested.

 **Derek** : …

 **Scott** : *to Isaac* Why is his jaw twitching?

 **Isaac** : That usually means he wants to kill something. Well, some _one_.

 **Scott** : But, why would he… oh! I suddenly can not wait to find Stiles.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** : Again with the older men shoving you around?!

 **Stiles** : It’s just tragic, is what it is.

 **Scott** : The fangirls are sick.

 **Stiles** : You’re just saying that to make me feel better.

 **Scott** : Yeah, but it’s working.

 **Stiles** : It is. Hold me.

 **Scott** : Hey, man.

 **Stiles** : What?

 **Scott** : Peter’s back.

 **Stiles** : Really?! Are you messing with me?

 **Scott** : No. It gets better.

 **Stiles** : How can it possibly get better?

 **Scott** : I may have mentioned how excited you would be and, uh, Derek was jealous.

 **Stiles** : …You are the best friend ever.

 **Scott** : Damn straight

 **Stiles** : Or not.

 **Scott** : Or not.


	3. Season 3a

** Episode 1: Tattoo **

**Braeden** : *electrocutes Isaac*

 **Isaac** : Gah… Jigglypuff!

 **Braeden** : What?

 **Isaac** : Huh? Wait, you’re not Scott.

 **Braeden** : No, and what the hell is a Jigglypuff?

 **Isaac** : It’s our safe word.

 **Braeden** : Why would you need a safe word?

 **Isaac** : Why are you electrocuting me?

 **Braeden** : Oh, for the love of… we don’t have time for this.

 

 

** Episode 2: Chaos Rising **

**Stiles** : Okay, big guy, let’s see it. Let see you make that fist. Big old fist. Make it, come on. Get it out there, don’t be scared. Big bad wolf, yeah, look at that. Okay, see this? That’s maybe three inches of room to gather enough force to punch through three feet of solid…

 **Derek** : *punches Stiles hand*

 **Stiles** : *flailing* Aaa! He can do it!

 **Peter** : Well, there go my plans for the night.

 **Stiles** : Not helping.

 **Peter** : You want me to kiss it better?

 **Stiles** : You can’t kiss my hand and make it better. Your mouth does not have magical healing properties.

 **Peter** : No, it doesn’t, but I wasn’t talking about kissing your hand.

 **Stiles** : I… don’t hate that idea.

 **Derek** : *jaw twitches*

 **Scott** : Hang on to that thought, you’re gonna need the rage.

 

 

** Episode 3: Fireflies **

**Isaac** : So, uh, your sister.

 **Derek** : …

 **Isaac** : I’m sorry, bad timing. *awkward silence* Stiles and Peter seemed pretty cozy.

 **Derek** : …

 **Isaac** : What?!

 

 

** Episode 4: Unleashed **

**Allison** : Can I ask you a question?

 **Isaac** : Do you have to?

 **Allison** : I guess not. I’m gonna ask anyway. Jigglypuff? Really, Isaac?

 **Isaac** : Oh, come on, why does everybody hate me?

 **Allison** : Apparently, Scott doesn’t.

 **Isaac** : _You_ broke up with _him_! I’m just making him feel better.

 **Allison** : By having the kind of sex that requires a safe word?

 **Isaac** : No, that isn’t… it’s not that kind of sex. I just… panic sometimes and Scott is a wonderful, sensitive person that understands that, so he suggested we use a safe word so that he would know if I was uncomfortable with anything he did without me actually having to explain it.

 **Allison** : He is that wonderful and sensitive, isn’t he? *sniff*

 **Isaac** : Don’t you cry. Because if you cry, then I’m gonna cry.

 **Allison** : Great, now we’re both crying. *sniffs* You, uh, you’re really pretty when you cry.

 **Isaac** : Thanks, you too. You know who else is pretty when he cries?

 **Allison** : Scott?

 **Isaac** : Yeah.

 

 

** Episode 5: Frayed **

**Scott** : I can’t believe he’s dead. I can’t believe Derek’s dead.

 **Stiles** : I can’t believe I never tapped that.

 **Scott** : Really?

 **Stiles** : Just trying to lighten the mood.

 

 

** Episode 6: Motel California **

**Stiles** : Have you still not seen Starwars?

 **Scott** : I swear, if we make it back alive, I will watch it.

 **Stiles** : God, how do I even let you in my pants? That’s just… fundamentally wrong.

 **Scott** : Stiles…

 **Stiles** : You know who’s seen Starwars, Scott? Peter has seen Starwars and he’s a psychopathic pervert.

 **Scott** : Of course Peter’s seen Starwars, he was probably our age when they came out.

 **Stiles** : That is a gross overestimate and you know it.

 **Scott** : Whatever, are we doing this or what?

 **Stiles** : Yeah, come on, in the shower, in case Coach decides to check on us.

 **Scott** : Wait. You think he won’t come in the bathroom?

 **Stiles** : No, I think if he tries, we’ll offer to let him join and then he’ll leave.

 **Scott** : Good call. Oh, speaking of, should we call Isaac?

 **Stiles** : Already done.

_*knock on door*_

**Allison** : Are, uh, are you guys in there? Stiles messaged me. Hey, Isaac, what are you doing here?

 **Scott** : …

 **Stiles** : Right?! Orgy!

 **Scott** : Stiles…

 **Stiles** : Please?

 **Scott** : Oh, fine.

 **Stiles** : Really? Oh, man, you are not gonna regret this.

 **Scott** : Somehow I doubt that.

 

 

** Episode 7: Currents **

**Mrs. McCall** : *wakes up* Boys. Boys!

 **Isaac** / **Scott** : *startles awake*

 **Mrs. McCall** : What do you think you were doing?

 **Isaac** : We were… watching over you?

 **Mrs. McCall** : Why does that sound like a question? So, help me, if you even held hands in this room while I was asleep, Isaac, you will be on the couch for the foreseeable future.

 **Isaac** : *sigh* I’ll just get my pillow from Scott’s room.

 **Mrs. McCall** : Oh, dear god, he looks like a kicked puppy. Never mind, just go. Get to school before I change my mind and start doing some real parenting.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** : We have to tell him.

 **Stiles** : You mean, like, tell him, tell him? Or telling him something else that isn’t telling him what I think you want to tell him.

 **Scott** : You know what I mean.

 **Stiles** : How is that even helping? Who I’m dating is none of my dad’s business. Okay, well, technically, since I’m underage it is his business, in the literal sense, but no. You know my dad. If we tell him, he might actually go after Peter, with a gun, which will only succeed in making my psychotic, homicidal, werewolf of a boyfriend mad and then he’ll kill my dad. And, you know, when I say it out loud like that, it really makes me question my taste in men. But, the point is, I can’t lose both my parents, Scott. So, no, we are not telling him about Peter.

 **Scott** : That’s not what I’m talking about.

 **Stiles** : … Oh. What are you talking about?

 **Scott** : The werewolf stuff.

 **Stiles** : Oh! Thank god. I mean, still a horrible idea, but thank god.

 

 

** Episode 8: Visionary **

**Cora** : Why do you care?

 **Stiles** : Why do I care? Have you seen your brother?

 **Cora** : Aren’t you with Peter?

 **Stiles** : I’m questioning that decision right now.

 **Cora** : Why?

 **Stiles** : Because he could decide to kill my friends and family at any given moment.

 **Cora** : … Fair enough, but you do realize he’s right upstairs. He can hear everything you’re saying.

 **Stiles** : Oh, good god. I’m so getting the belt tonight.

 **Peter** : That you are, my darling boy, but I can assure you that you _will_ enjoy it. Now, I believe you were talking about Derek?

 

 

** Episode 9: The Girl Who Knew Too Much **

**Sheriff** : Stiles…

 **Stiles** : I’m sorry, I just don’t know where to start here.

 **Sheriff** : If this is about you liking boys, I already…

 **Stiles** : No! No, this has nothing to do with that.

 **Sheriff** : Are you saying you like girls? Because with you and Scott always getting caught in supply closets doing things I don’t want to hear about, I kind of figured…

 **Stiles** : No, dad! This has nothing to do with my sexuality. And, for the record, I’m omnisexual. I’d have sex with the washing machine if I could find the hole.

 **Sheriff** : Well, that just makes you a teenage boy.

 **Stiles** : Dad, not helping!

 

 

** Episode 10: The Overlooked **

**Derek** : Be quiet.

 **Stiles** : Me, be quiet? Me? You’re telling me what to do now? When you’re psychotic, mass-murdering girlfriend, the second one you’ve dated, by the way, has my dad tied up somewhere waiting to be ritually sacri…

 **Derek** : *kisses Stiles*

 **Stiles** : Mmm!

 **Peter** : Hey, that’s mine!

 **Stiles** : *throws a leg up around Derek*

 **Scott** : Well, it _was_ yours.

 

 

** Episode 11: Alpha Pack **

**Derek** : I don’t care about power. Not anymore.

 **Peter** : What about the power to fight back. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Kali’s ultimatum still stands. The full moon is tomorrow night. If you couldn’t beat her as an Alpha, how do you think you’re gonna fair as a Beta.

 **Derek** : I don’t care.

 **Peter** : If you go Alpha and order him to, Stiles cums like a freight train. Every. Time. You don’t even have to touch him. I promise you, it’s worth it.

 **Derek** : I… really, _really_ care about that, but my sister comes first. Stiles would understand.

 **Peter** : Suit yourself. Maybe his little friend Scott will help you out if you ask nicely.

 **Derek** : *eye twitch*

 

_-and-_

 

 **Deaton** : Lydia, you go with Stiles.

 **Allison** : Are you sure? I mean, Scott and I both have to go under.

 **Allison** / **Isaac** : *exchange meaningful looks*

 **Scott** : Oh, I knew I was gonna regret that orgy.

 **Stiles** : *guilty head duck*

 **Scott** : No, it’s okay.

 

 

** Episode 12: Lunar Ellipse **

**Sheriff** : Where’s Stiles? Where’s my son?

 **Mrs. McCall** : And Scott? Wait, you don’t think?

 **Sheriff** : They better not be or they will be in serious trouble.

 **Isaac** : They’re coming.

 **Sheriff** : That is exactly what we’re afraid of.

 **Isaac** : What are you…

 **Allison** : *whispers in Isaac’s ear*

 **Isaac** : Oh! No, not like… At least, I don’t think they’d… You know what, don’t worry, they’re on their way.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** : So.

 **Stiles** : Yup.

 **Scott** : Derek and you are together. Peter hasn’t even tried to kill him for it.

 **Stiles** : Yet.

 **Scott** : My ex-girlfriend and now ex-boyfriend are hooking up.

 **Stiles** : On the plus side, they haven’t made anything official.

 **Scott** : True enough. Hey, care to make a bet on how long this whole thing takes to bite us in the ass?

 **Stiles** : What were you thinking?

 **Scott** : If I win, I get to change my ringtone in your phone to me ordering you to cum for me. As your Alpha. For two days.

 **Stiles** : Oh, no, that is so not…

 **Scott** : If you win, I let you slide into home.

 **Stiles** : As in…

 **Scott** : Care to boldly go where only one man has gone before?

 **Stiles** : Give me a moment to have an internal struggle over this, because yes!

 **Scott** : Just so we’re clear, you do realize you’ve lost like ninety nine percent of every bet we have ever made.

 **Stiles** : I’m eternally optimistic.


	4. Season 3b

** Episode 13: Anchors **

**Scott** : Right at her head?

 **Isaac** : Almost right through it. And she keeps saying the same thing. That she keeps seeing her aunt. Whatever’s happening to you guys, it’s getting worse. If I hadn’t been there, Lydia would be dead, and later, when I went down on her, she nearly broke my neck with her thighs. If we hadn’t been in a sixty nine, making it a very awkward angle to get the right kind of leverage, it probably would have worked.

 **Scott** : *throws Isaac against the wall*

 

 

** Episode 14: More Bad Than Good **

**Agent McCall** : The truth, no matter how profoundly it sucks, the truth is always better then not knowing.

 **Sheriff** : That’s easy for you to say. You’ve never walked in on Stiles and Scott at three in the morning doing the monkey leg over.

 **Agent McCall** : What’s the monkey leg over?

 **Sheriff** : That’s what I had asked two weeks before I caught them at it. And you know what? I was better off not knowing.

 **Agent McCall** : Wait, is that… are they having _sex_?!

 **Sheriff** : And now you know. Is it better?

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** : I thought you guys were gonna teach me to roar.

 **Aiden** : We are. You do it by giving in and letting go. That’s how Deucalion taught us control.

 **Stiles** : Hey, you know what, that’s funny. I actually tried something like this one time using a twelve inch vibrating dildo and an obscene amount of lube, but know what, you’re right. Beating the crap out of him is much better.

 **Scott** : Is that really the plan? You kick my ass?

 **Ethan** : Actually, Stiles may have a …

 **Aiden** : No.

 

 

** Episode 15: Galvanize **

**Peter** : Don’t you have any antiseptic?

 **Derek** : Yes.

 **Peter** : Really? This is a little petty, even for you.

 **Derek** : Maybe next time we’re being tortured you won’t insist on telling me exactly how good Stiles was at sucked you off to ‘distract me.’

 **Peter** : He was like a Hoover. So enthusiastic. Ow!

 

 

** Episode 16: Illuminated **

**Agent McCall** : So, when did you get there?

 **Stiles** : At the same time.

 **Agent McCall** : Same time as who?

 **Scott** : Same time as me.

 **Agent McCall** : By coincidence?

 **Stiles** : What do mean coincidence?

 **Agent McCall** : That’s what I’m asking you. The two of you arrived there at the same time. Was that a coincidence, or did you two get there together after, perhaps, having sex?!

 **Stiles** : What the…?!

 **Scott** : No! No sex was happening. God, Dad, seriously?

 **Agent McCall** : Sheriff Stilinski filled me in on your relationship. Were these young women involved? At least tell me you used protection.

 **Scott** : Dad, no, look we are not in a relationship, okay?

 **Agent McCall** : But you are having sex with each other?

 **Scott** : *at Kira* Me and Stiles are friends. Just friends.

 **Stiles** : Yeah, totally. Just friends. I actually have a boyfriend… who I haven’t seen in a few weeks. Scott, have you heard from Derek? Is he back yet?

 **Scott** : No.

 **Agent McCall** : Really, just friends? Because the Sheriff over there was also kind enough to describe something called the monkey leg over and, I have to say, that does not sound like something ‘just friends’ do.

 **Scott** : *to Kira* Okay, friends with benefits. But only if you’re okay with that. Not that I’m asking you out or anything, just saying that hypothetically if you and I were to be… together, that I’d be fine with not having sex with Stiles. Totally fine.

 **Stiles** : Although, really, why wouldn’t you be okay with it? We are adorable together. Not to mention the threesomes. Just ask Allison and Isaac.

 **Kira** : …

 **Agent McCall** : You’re having _threesome_ s?

 **Sheriff** : And now you know. Is it still better?

 

 

** Episode 17: Silverfinger **

**Kira** : So, all of your friends are…

 **Scott** : No, not all of them, just… I mean, Derek and the twins really aren’t my type. Lydia, either, and Stiles is a total geek, but I honestly can’t remember a time when we weren’t friends and, besides, you know, not a relationship, so it doesn’t really count. I guess I’m more into innocent pretty, like Allison and Isaac or… you? Maybe?

 **Kira** : No, um, werewolves, Scott. Are they all werewolves?

 **Scott** : Oh! Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry.

 **Kira** : That’s okay and, for the record? Stiles was right, you two are totally adorable.

 

 

** Episode 18: Riddled **

**Derek** : He’s a little preoccupied, but I can help you.

 **Kira** : Wait, you’re… Derek, Stiles’ new boyfriend? The one whose Uncle Peter was giving it to Stiles before he hooked up with you?

 **Derek** : …

 **Kira** : The one Stiles and Scott are pretty much convinced is going to get cleaved in two like your sister by that same uncle?

 **Derek** : …

 **Kira** : The one that’s hot, but not pretty enough for Scott to want to have sex with?

 **Derek** : Yes!

 **Kira** : Cool.

 **Derek** : I can see why he likes you.

 

 

** Episode 19: Letharia Vulpina **

**Peter** : The Hunter and the Banshee. Ladies, come in.

 **Allison** : And that’s my creep factor for the day. Come on, Lydia.

 **Lydia** : But…

 **Allison** : Nope. We’re done here.

 

 

** Episode 20: Echo House **

**Nogitsune** : Let me in.

 **Stiles** : Come on, why can I never have the sexy dreams?

 **Nogitsune** : Would you let me in if it were a sexy dream?

 **Stiles** : I’d be more likely to consider it. More flies with honey, dude. All I’m sayin.’

 

 

** Episode 21: The Fox and the Wolf **

**Parrish:** *extends baton* Sorry, but I can’t let you walk out with this. It’s way above the legal voltage limit.  
**  
Argent:** Oh, I only use it for – *glances meaningfully at Derek* - hunting. **  
  
Derek:** *glances meaningfully at Argent* **  
  
Parrish:** I’m sorry, is that code for something? **  
  
Derek: ** What?  
**  
Parrish:** Well, he said… and then you two… so, I thought… never mind. **  
  
Argent: ** Occasionally he does enjoy having it shoved up his ass. **  
  
Derek: ** *glares* **  
  
Parrish: ** … **  
  
Argent: ** What? I don’t turn it on. **  
  
Sheriff: ** I’ll take care of this, Parrish. *takes them into his office* Shove it up his ass, really? **  
  
Argent: ** Eh, look on his face was worth it. **  
  
Derek: ** It was. We should do that more often.  
  
**Sheriff** : If you two are done, we have Nogitsune to defeat and my son to save. Take a look at these x-rays.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Derek** : Is there any reason why my name’s on the King?

 **Sheriff** : He said you’d kill him if he put it on the Queen.

 **Derek** : *nods* He wasn’t wrong.

 **Argent** : I’m also a little concerned that my daughter and Scott are standing that close to the homicidal pedophile Peter.

 **Derek** : That is concerning.

 **Allison** : Hey, does anyone else notice that Isaac is off the board, but Kate isn’t?

 **Argent** : Interesting.

 **Allison** : Lydia’s not here at all, and neither is Deucalion, or Kali. In fact, we’re missing a lot of people.

 **Derek** : Perhaps we should consider the possibility that this chessboard is not as accurate a representation as we thought.

 **Sheriff** : Excuse me, did you say Peter is a homicidal _pedophile_?

 

 

** Episode 22: De-Void **

**Kira** : Scott, please don’t sleep in the chair.

 **Scott** : *lays down*

 **Kira** : We’re going to save him. We’ll figure it out. And then we’ll have wild, kinky sex. I’ll even see what I can do about getting Allison and Isaac to join. It could be awkward at first, but…

 **Scott** : *kisses her*

 **Kira** : Are you into bondage?

 

_-and-_

 

*doorbell rings*

 **Peter** : *slowly looks up* I hear you have a young boy paralyzed and gagged on your couch. I’m here to help.

 **Mrs. McCall** : *shuts door*

 **Scott** : But, mom…

 **Mrs. McCall** : Nope. Find another way.

 **Lydia** : I like her.

 

 

** Episode 23: Insatiable **

**Scott** : We’ve done this before, guys. A couple of weeks ago we were standing around just like this and we saved Malia. Remember? That was a total stranger. This is Lydia.

 **Allison** : I’m here to save my best friend.

 **Scott** : I came to save mine.

 **Isaac** : I just didn’t feel like doing any homework.

 **Kira** : I want to chain Scott to the bed and shove his face in Allison’s crotch while he fucks Stiles, Isaac fucks him and I play with myself and take a riding crop to anyone who steps out of line.

 **Everyone** : …

 **Kira** : What? I’m just saying.

 

 

** Episode 24: The Divine Move **

**Kira** : I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know what to say to any of them. I don’t know how much time to give them. I’m still just the new girl at school.

 **Lydia** : Honey, you have tits and a fetish for whips and chains. You don’t need to do much talking.

 **Kira** : Huh. Good point.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** : Derek if this is all just a dream, why do you look worried?

 **Derek** : Because I don’t remember waking up. So, tell me, how do you know? How do you know if you’re still dreaming?

 **Stiles** : Fingers. In dreams, you have extra fingers.

 **Derek** : *holds up Stiles' hands*

 **Stiles** : Well, that sucks for you. Although, considering this is your dream and you’ve put yourself in the locker room of my school alone with me, I’d say it doesn’t have to totally suck. Or, it can suck a lot. Up to you.

 **Derek** : How about we put those extra fingers to good use and I let you do things to me I’d never even consider in the real world.

 **Stiles** : How about you shut up and bend over.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** : Well, our lives suck more profoundly then they did the last time we recapped.

 **Stiles** : Yeah, Allison is dead.

 **Scott** : Isaac left.

 **Stiles** : Derek is missing

 **Scott** : Peter’s still creepy.

 **Stiles** : You’re dad is not only back, but he knows about our benefits and is determined to cock block me until I die of blue balls.

 **Scott** : Oh, no, that’s not a problem, I figured it out.

 **Stiles** : What are you talking about?

 **Scott** : I _did_ win the bet. *holds up phone, dials Stiles’ number*

 **Stiles’ Phone** : *Scott’s voice* cum

 **Stiles** : Gah *falls* …hate you.

 **Scott** : Don’t worry, I brought you a few extra pairs of pants.

 **Stiles** : So much.


	5. Season 4

** Episode 1: The Dark Moon **

**Stiles** : *sees Derek* What did she do to my boyfriend?!

 **Malia** : Your boyfriend? But… I’m your girlfriend. Is it normal to have both?

 **Stiles** : No… well… no, but don’t worry, it’s a threesome thing.

 **Malia** : Okay! What’s a threesome? Can Kira join?

 **Stiles** : I am so in love with you.

 **Scott** : Stiles, not right now.

 

 

** Episode 2: 117 **

**Derek** : *throws Stiles against the wall*

 **Stiles** : Oh, okay, it’s like date night, only I don’t think I’m gonna enjoy this as much.

 **Derek** : What?

 **Stiles** : Nothing. You, uh, you had some questions for me?

 **Derek** : You smell - *sniffs* - aroused.

 **Stiles** : Well, now it _really_ feels like date night.

 **Derek** : You’re strange.

 **Stiles** : I get that a lot.

 

 

** Episode 3: Muted **

**Coach** : Those two are like sons to me! Yes, that’s how we do it!

 **Scott** : *chest bump*

 **Stiles** : *falls down*

 **Coach** : Well, that one is like a son to me.

 **Scott** : *checking on Stiles*

 **Stiles** : *waves him off*

 **Coach** : Yeah, the other one is more like a daughter.

 **Random Player** : Which one’s the girl?

 **Coach** : Take your pick.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** : *about Liam* Stiles, are you jealous?

 **Stiles** : It… no, just… no, why would I be jealous? What is there to be jealous about other then his… perfect hair and his perfect eyes and his lashes that go on for fucking ever and his crazy awesome lacrosse skills.

 **Scott** : Oh, my god, you are jealous!

 **Stiles** : Don’t… no, I am not jealous.

 **Scott** : Malia, does he sound jealous?

 **Malia** : Little bit.

 **Stiles** : You are not helping! Aren’t you supposed to take my side?

 **Malia** : Not when you’re being an idiot.

 

 

** Episode 4: The Benefactor **

**Stiles** : So, you bit him. And you kidnapped him. And you brought him back here.

 **Scott** : I panicked.

 **Stiles** : So… things with Kira getting serious, then?

 **Scott** : Yeah! How'd you know?

 **Stiles** : You’re getting better at restraining people. I remember a time when you couldn’t keep me tied to a headboard on a bet, much less Ducktape someone in your bathtub. I’m proud of you. My little man’s growing up.

 **Scott** : Dude, shut up.

 **Stiles** : You shut up.

 **Scott** : No, you shut up.

 **Stiles** : No, you…

 **Scott** : *kisses Stiles – crazy-hot boy sex ensues*

 **Liam** : *muffled outrage*

 

_-and-_

 

 **Liam** : And what are you?

 **Stiles** : For a while I was possessed by an evil spirit?

 **Liam** : What are you _now_?

 **Stiles** : Better?

 **Liam** : That’s it?

 **Scott** : He gives great head. Like, the best.

 **Stiles** : I do! Thank you, Scott.

 **Kira** : He begs pretty and he looks really good in chains.

 **Malia** : He does. *growls*

 **Stiles** : Down, girl! Kira, you know what mentioning bondage does to her on a full moon.

 **Kira** : Sorry.

 **Lydia** : Oh, like he’s really complaining about being locked in the basement again with his werecoyote girlfriend, werewolf not-boyfriend, and Whips and Chains Barbie. The only thing that could make him happier was if Derek were here.

 **Stiles** : Hey, no, that is not… yeah, okay, she’s got a point.

 **Liam** : You people are insane.

 **Stiles** : Oh, yeah? Just for that, you’re not allowed to join.

 

 

** Episode 5: I.E.D  **

**Derek** : *smiles*

 **Scott** : What? Why are you smiling?

 **Derek** : *smiles wider*

 **Scott** : Stop it. It’s creepy in a… kind of charming way.

 **Derek** : Come on, let’s go find Stiles.

 **Scott** : I don’t know…

 **Derek** : You take front, I take back. We don’t even have to make eye contact.

 **Scott** : Okay, but only because I love Stiles so much.

 **Derek** : You and me both.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** : *to Kira* You keep an eye on Garret, I’ll watch out for Liam. *jogs off*

 **Stiles** : Yeah, I’m just gonna try to… play lacrosse.

 **Scott** : *jogs back* Hey, don’t be like that. You know you come first.

 **Stiles** : Thanks, that means a lot.

 **Scott** : It’s just, he’s new at this and someone might want him dead, so…

 **Stiles** : No, I really shouldn’t let it get to me.

 **Scott** : Hey, if it bothers you that much, maybe I can arrange a repeat of this afternoon with Derek.

 **Stiles** : Really, you’d do that for me?

 **Scott** : Of course, you’re my…

 **Coach** : Boys! Positions! Now! Every time. I swear to god, every game is like an episode of Melrose Place.

 

 

** Episode 6: Orphaned **

*at Eichen House, after Parrish threatens/coerces Brunswick* **  
  
Parrish:** *goes in room* **  
  
Lydia** / **Stiles:** Dibs! **  
  
Lydia: ** *glares* **  
  
Stiles: ** Rock Paper Scissors? **  
  
Lydia: ** Stiles, do you know how long it’s been since I had sex? Do you?! **  
  
Stiles: ** A long time? **  
  
Lydia: ** A very long time. You, on the other hand, are sleeping with half the damned town. This one is mine. **  
  
Stiles: ** But… **  
  
Lydia: ** No. Mine. **  
  
Parrish: ** Excuse me, are you two coming? **  
  
Lydia: ** *to Stiles* Mine. **  
  
Parrish: ** Did I miss something? I feel like I missed something. **  
  
Stiles: ** Don’t we all.  
  
**Parrish** : Yeah, I definitely missed something.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Peter** : What I want, is what I’ve always wanted. Power.

 **Kate** : Money and power? That’s it?

 **Peter** : And Stiles.

 **Kate** : What about his little girlfriend?

 **Peter** : He can keep her.

 **Kate** : What else?

 **Peter** : A yacht. I’ve always wanted a yacht. One of those luxury models with a swimming pool.

 **Kate** : Go on.

 **Peter** : And a car. A really expensive car.

 **Kate** : Make and model?

 **Pete** r: I know the Lamborghini Veneno is the most expensive thing money can buy, but I’m partial to the Aston Martin One-77. It’s got a real James Bond feel to it.

 **Kate** : God, yes, keep going.

 **Peter** : Are you getting off on this?

 **Kate** : Is that a problem?

 **Peter** : No. By all means. I want a mansion with a room for every fetish.

 **Kate** : List ‘em for me.

_-one hour later-_

**Peter** : Oh, and those sugar coated orange flavored candy wedges!

 **Kate** : The thick gummy ones?

 **Peter** : No, no, the really thin ones with the fake peel and sometimes they come individually wrapped.

 **Kate** : God, was that as good for you as it was for me?

 **Peter** : Better.

 

 

** Episode 7: Weaponized **

**Scott** : *falls out of vault cured*

 **Stiles** : *runs hand over Scott’s shoulders, touches his face* Dude, no offense, but I am full on making love to you later.

 **Scott** : No homo?

 **Stiles** : No, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be a lot homo.

 **Scott** : Fair enough.

 

 

** Episode 8: Time of Death **

**Stiles** : You know, you may be related him, but you’re not like him.

 **Malia** : Maybe I am. We’ve both killed people. We’re socially awkward. We stare a lot and way too intently. We like to be in control. We’re possessive of the things that belong to us. We think you’re adorable when you flail. We’ve both made you the little spoon.

 **Stiles** : To be fair, I _am_ adorable when I flail, just ask Scott, and I enjoy being the little spoon.

 **Malia** : We both like that thing you do with your tongue when you kiss. We both think you look nice from behind, especially when you bend over and we can see the crack of your ass. We both like it when you beg. We both like to pull your hair too hard so your eyes water. We both like to spank you. We both…

 **Stiles** : This is gonna go on for a while, isn’t it?

 **Malia** : We talked for a long time. Mostly about you.

 **Stiles** : That should bother me way more than it does.

 **Malia** : Hm. Make-up sex?

 **Stiles** : Totally.

 **Malia** : Except I’m still kind of mad at you.

 **Stiles** : Doesn’t bother me.

 **Malia** : Oh, and he’s going to help me find my mom!

 **Stiles** : That’s great! Now get over here, this ass ain’t gonna tap itself.

 

 

** Episode 9: Perishable **

*after Parrish beats the guy that set him on fire*

 **Stiles** : Hey, Lydia?  
  
**Lydia** : So help me god, Stiles, my will-be-boyfriend is in the other room right now, blackened and charred, but blessedly naked, which means I’m getting more than an eyeful of what will soon be mine. If you ruin this for me with one of your bad puns, I will hurt you.  
  
**Stiles** : *thinks about it* Is it just me or is Deputy Parrish smoking hot tonight?  
  
**Lydia** : *hits Stiles arm*  
  
**Stiles** : Ow! …Worth it.  
  
**Lydia:** *hits him again*

*in the other room*

 **Parrish** : Sheriff, why is Lydia hitting your son?  
  
**Sheriff** : I have no idea, but he probably deserved it.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Liam** : *sitting on stairs dejectedly*

 **Scott** : *pats shoulder* You okay? Need a handjob, or, I dunno, I think Kira’s out of town or something and Stiles is busy, so if you want, we can go back to my place and cuddle? You look like you could use a cuddle.

 **Liam** : I really could.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** : God, why does every bad guy feel the need to get inappropriately close to my face?!

 **Brunswick** : It’s your eyes.

 **Stiles** : What?

 **Brunswick** : I said, it’s your eyes. We just can’t help trying to get a better look as all that pretty panic sets in.

 **Stiles** : Oh, come on! You can’t tell me every evil doer in Beacon Hills is a pedophile hot after my ass!

 **Lydia** : No, Stiles, but he’s got a point. Besides, you’re 17 now, hardly pedophile material.

 **Stiles** : Why do I have a crush on you again?

 **Lydia** : Because you’re hopeless.

 **Stiles** : Got it.

 **Brunswick** : Are you done? I’d like to get back to revealing nefarious plot points.

 

 

** Episode 10: Monstrous **

**Argent** : *cell phone rings* Argent. No, I’m not busy, just skulking around my own place, locking rare and highly lethal strains of wolfs bane in an otherwise empty safe that I keep for no apparent reason. You? How’s the weather in Europe? Hm. Uh huh. Here? Not bad, it’d be better if… right, two weeks tangled in the sheets does not mean I’m so in love with you, I can’t put you in your place. Call me that again and you’ll find out exactly what I can do from half a world away. So, what are you wearing?

 **Bret** : *attacks*

 **Argent** : *pulls a gun*

 **Scott** : Wait, wait! Bret, this is his place. This is his.

 **Argent** : Scott, if you were bringing guests, you could have called. -*in phone* - I have to… really? The, uh, the black ones or the…? _Really_? I will call you back.

 **Scott** : How’s Isaac?

 **Argent** : What? No, that…

 **Scott** : …

 **Argent** : …he’s fine.

 **Scott** : *awkward silence* What was he wearing?

 **Argent** : I will not hesitate to shoot you.

 **Scott** : Fair enough.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Meredith** : I do, but only to one person. Peter. Peter Hale

 **Lydia** : Oh, honey, did he try and have sex with you, too?

 **Sheriff** : Wait, what? Who else? Who else has he tried to have sex with?

 **Lydia** : … No one. Certainly no one related to anyone in this room.

 **Meredith** : Your son. They only got to third base, though. Stiles didn’t clear home until his first date with Derek. Well… actually, I’m not sure the back of Stiles’ jeep in your driveway counts as being actually _on_ the date. They seem to think it did. It probably didn’t. Your son is a man-whore.

 **Lydia** : Oh, _now_ you decide to be helpful.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** : So, my dad knows about Peter.

 **Scott** : What?

 **Stiles** : And my psycho ex-boyfriend was once again at least in some way responsible for the all the evil going on in Beacon Hills.

 **Scott** : Wait, are you doing the season wrap up?

 **Stiles** : Yeah, wasn’t that the…?

 **Scott** : No, no, not yet! We still have more to go.

 **Stiles** : Really?

 **Scott** : Yeah, like at least two more episodes.

 **Stiles** : I don’t know, how can things possibly get worse than they already are?

 **Scott** : Oh, way to tempt the writers, Stiles.

 **Stiles** : *cringe* My bad.

 **Scott** : Whatever, I guess the only thing to do now is sit back and wait for the fallout.

 **Stiles** : Well, that and…

 **Scott** : Sex?

 **Stiles** : I was gonna say dance, but sex works, too.

 

 

** Episode 11: A Promise to the Dead **

**Peter** : Now you rest here for a while. You’ve had a hard time for a very long time. *walks away*

 **Argent** : Wait.

 **Peter** : Yes?

 **Argent** : What was that sound?

 **Peter** : That, my dear Chris Argent, was the sound of hundreds of fangirls rushing to their computers to write rape!fic, of which you will undoubtedly play a staring role. You’re welcome.

 

 

** Episode 12: Smoke and Mirrors **

**Derek** : I brought something to help you. This has been with my family for centuries. It’s a very powerful supernatural talisman. We use it to teach betas how to control themselves under the full moon.

 **Liam** : *takes the talisman*

 **Derek** : *looks at Stiles*

 **Stiles** : *confused look at Derek*

 **Derek** : *nods at Liam*

 **Stiles** : *raises eye brows, looks at Liam, back at Derek, makes hand signal for blowjob*

 **Derek** : *smacks Stiles upside the back of his head* No, you idiot, the talisman!

 **Stiles** : Oh, right! Yes, it’s powerful. Very powerful.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** : Now we can do the season wrap up?

 **Scott** : Yes, Stiles, now you can do the season wrap up.

 **Stiles** : So, once again, my psycho ex-boyfriend was behind all the evil in Beacon Hills.

 **Scott** : And Mexico.

 **Stiles** : And Mexico. I wonder if they allow conjugal visits at Eichen House?

 **Scott** : He probably won’t need them. Deaton says they have him locked up with third eye dude.

 **Stiles** : Well, that’s a little extreme, don’t you think?

 **Scott** : Do you want him going on a murderous rampage again? Besides, I’m not sure **D** erek would approve.

 **Stiles** : Fine. Kill joy.

 **Scott** : Speaking of, you wanna…?

 **Stiles** : No.

 **Scott** : Wait, what do you mean, no?! We always have sex after the wrap up!

 **Stiles** : Well then, why don’t you go ask the cute and cuddly little beta you didn’t beat senseless?

 **Scott** : Oh, come on, that’s not fair. I was a Berserker under Kate’s control!

 **Stiles** : And yet somehow _Liam_ managed to drag you out of it just fine when your best friend…

 **Scott** : With benefits.

 **Stiles** : …best friend with benefits couldn’t get out two words before you bitch slapped him.

 **Scott** : Yeah, I guess sorry isn’t gonna cut it.

 **Stiles** : Not really.

 **Scott** : So, slave for a week?

 **Stiles** : Two. Now, start with a foot rub and we’ll work up to the kinky stuff.


	6. Season 5a

** Episode 1: Creatures of the Night **

**Scott** : *looking at Liam* Why were you naked?

 **Liam** : *looks at Stiles*

 **Stiles** : *makes kill gesture*

 **Scott** : *looks at Stiles*

 **Stiles** : *rubs his neck and shrugs* I don’t know. Why are you looking at me? Look at him, he was the one running around naked.

 **Liam** : Traitor.

 **Scott** : *sighs* It’s gonna be a long year.

 

 

** Episode 2: Parasomnia **

**Stiles** : Someone’s not someone, and when I figure out who that someone really is, someone’s in big trouble.

 **Kira** : Sounds like someone needs a blowjob.

 **Stiles** : What? No! That is not…

 **Scott** : Malia, can you take this one? I’ve got a test in AP Bio tomorrow.

 **Malia** : And I’m _barely_ a senior.

 **Scott** : Fine, but you get him tonight. I can’t fail this.

 **Malia** : Deal.

 **Stiles** : Guys, come on, I’m serious here.

 **Scott** : So am I. Do you want to go find a closet or try our luck in Coach’s office?

 **Stiles** : …Coach’s office.

 **Malia** / **Kira** : *watches them leave*

 **Kira** : We should get back to studying.

 **Malia** : Yeah. *taps pen on desk* Or, we could follow them and try to get it on video.

 **Kira** / **Malia** : *race out the door*

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stile** : It’s not broken

 **Scott** : Let me see it.

 **Stiles** : I’m fine.

 **Scott** : Let me see it. *takes Stiles pain*

 **Stiles** : *meaningful look at Scott*

 **Scott** : *meaningful look at Stiles*

 **Liam** : Are you two gonna have sex now? Can I go? Not that I don’t appreciate your deep and abiding love for one another but I don’t need to see that. Again.

 **Stiles** : Well, now you won’t have to. Way to ruin the moment, Liam!

 

 

** Episode 3: Dreamcatchers **

**Stiles** : Dad, dad, this is one date. The town of Beacon Hill won’t implode while you’re out with one woman. Or man. Or… Werewolf. Or Banshee. Or Kitsune. Or… Vampire? Scott, are Vampires a thing?

 **Scott** : I don’ think so.

 **Sheriff** : It’s a woman, Stiles.

 **Stiles** : Okay.

 **Sheriff** : A very beautiful woman.

 **Stiles** : You know, not to come across as judgey, but I notice you didn’t say she's human. Is she?

 **Sheriff** : I hope so, but we live in Beacon Hills. I’ve learned not to count my chickens before they haven’t tried to kill me.

 **Stiles** : Fair enough.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** : It wasn’t a Werewolf!

 **Scott** : Kanima.

 **Stiles** : You know, lying on this floor, paralyzed by Kanima venom really makes me wish Derek was here.

 **Malia** : I miss Derek, too. And his muscles.

 **Stiles** :   That’s great. Now I don’t feel insecure at all.

 **Scott** : Could we just focus on Tracy and talk about your polyamorous love triangle later?

 **Stiles** : It’s less of a triangle and more of a hexagon or…

 **Scott** : Stiles!

 **Stiles** : Sorry. Sorry, you’re right.

 

 

** Episode 4: Condition Terminal **

**Lydia** : *wakes up in hospital, sees Parish* What are you doing here?

 **Parish** : Officially, I’m here to gather eye witness testimony. Unofficially, I was watching you sleep, but Scott’s mother came by and said I reminded her of Peter Hale. I turned on the television so I would look less like a deranged psychopathic, but from your expression, it isn’t working.

 **Lydia** : You’re cute. I can forgive deranged psychopath.

 **Parish** : You make questionable life choices, don’t you?

 **Lydia** : Sometimes. Are you complaining?

 **Parish** : Not really.

 **Lydia** : Good.

 

 

** Episode 5: A Novel Approach **

**Scott** : I think I might have also stopped her from killing Lucas.

 **Stiles** : Okay. Wasn’t he trying to kill you, though? I mean that… sounds like self defense.

 **Scott** : It was more than that. She nearly took off his head.

 **Stiles** : Maybe she had no choice. There’s gotta be a point where self defense is justified. Tracy killed her own father and Lucas would have killed you.

 **Scott** : They’re not the bad guys. They’re the victims. We shouldn’t be killing the people we’re trying to save.

 **Stiles** : But… hypothetically, what if they were a bad person before they were changed.

 **Scott** : It still wasn’t their choice to become one of those things.

 **Stiles** : Yeah, but what if they threatened to kill someone when they were still human, and then, hypothetically, attacked that someone’s son after they’d been changed?

 **Scott** : Threatening to do it is one thing, actually going through with it? That’s different. We can’t just assume that because someone was a jerk before means they would have gone homicidal. We have to give them the benefit of the doubt. We have to try, no matter how bad they were or could be. Stiles, that’s what we do. We _save_ people.

 **Stiles** : You know, for someone so smart, you can be a complete idiot sometimes.

 **Scott** : What?! What did I say this time?! Stiles, come back!

 

 

** Episode 6: Required Reading **

**Parish** : You sure? Maybe we should stop after a few.

 **Lydia** : Why?

 **Parish** : I don’t want your stitches to get unstitched.

 **Lydia** : They’re fine. See. No blood. *takes off shirt* And here. These are boobs.

 **Parish** : What?!

 **Lydia** : And this is a…

 **Parish** : Wow, wow, wow! Wait just a minute there. Are you even legal?

 **Lydia** : I’m eighteen.

 **Parish** : Yeah, but, you’re still in highschool.

 **Lydia** : I have one class and I’m only doing that so I can hang out with my friends.

 **Parish** : I’m a police officer and you’re young and impressionable…

 **Lydia** : I’m a banshee. My friends are Werewolves, a Werecoyote, a Kitsune, and Stiles, who was possessed by a Nogitsune that tried to incite mass chaos. In fact, my ex was a Werewolf and the one before that was a Kanima – both of whom I had sex with, by the way, so not exactly virgin territory in case that’s your next argument. I’ve seen things people twice my age don’t even know exist. I’m not young and impressionable. I’m horny and topless.

 **Parish** : …By all means, continue.

 

 

** Episode 7: Strange Frequencies  **

**Theo** : You want to take Shifts watching?

 **Stiles** : No. No, I want to spend some quality time with you.

 **Theo** : *smiles* Sounds good to me.

 **Stiles** : You realize I didn’t mean sex or anything, right?

 **Theo** : Yeah, you know, despite what you seem to think, not everyone wants to have sex with you.

 **Stiles** : Well, clearly you haven’t been in Beacon Hills long enough.

 **Theo** : Really? Name one person. One person you could call right now that would…

 **Stiles** : Scott.

 **Theo** : That’s cheating. Scott and your little girlfriend don’t count. Name another.

 **Stiles** : Kira.

 **Theo** : I thought she was with Scott?

 **Stiles** : We share. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. Also, Derek.

 **Theo** : Who?

 **Stiles** : My absentee boyfriend.

 **Theo** : You have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, Scott, and Scott’s girlfriend and they’re all okay with this?

 **Stiles** : Derek’s uncle, Peter.

 **Theo** : What?

 **Stiles** : He’s locked up in Eichen House for being a power hungry psychopathic Werewolf, but the man could give me an orgasm that turned my brain to jello. It’s always the crazy ones, right? Oh, I wonder if he managed to break out when the Dread Doctor’s were there. I should ask Scott to look into that.

 **Theo** : You’re joking.

 **Stiles** : Isaac. He’s in Europe right now ‘finding himself,’ so it could take a while, but he loves a good orgy.

 **Theo** : Are you just making up names?

 **Stiles** : You know what? I bet that within the month, you will be all over this.

 **Theo** : This being you?

 **Stiles** : *waggles eyebrows* Not that I’ll let you, because, you know, standards.

 **Theo** : Thanks, but, no thanks.

 **Stiles** : We’ll see about that.

 **Theo** : Yeah we will.

 

 

** Episode 8: Ouroborus **

**Liam** : *kisses Hayden*

 **Hayden** : It’s gone. The pain’s gone. How did you do that?

 **Liam** : I don’t know. Hey, maybe if we have sex, it’ll help you heal?

 **Hayden** : …are you serious?

 **Liam** : Worth a shot.

 **Hayden** : *sighs* Yeah, sure, what the hell?

 **Liam** : Really?!

 **Hayden** : No! God, you are so gullible.

 **Theo** : *chuckles*

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** : Everyone’s changed and I think it’s because of me.

 **Mrs. McCall** : You have been kind of a douche lately.

 **Scott** : Mom!

 **Mrs. McCall** : Sorry, sorry, still not good at the whole parenting thing. I always was too honest for my own good. I slapped Sheriff Stalinski earlier.

 **Scott** : Did he deserve it?

 **Mrs. McCall** : Definitely. *hugs Scott* You and Stiles are still using condoms?

 **Scott** : Yes, mom.

 **Mrs. McCall** : Good, at least I’m doing something right.

 

 

** Episode 9: Lies of Omission **

( _whispers are in italics_ , normal tone is in normal font, sorry for the confusion)

 **Stiles** : I had trouble starting the jeep again. Things barely hanging on. Couldn’t get in touch with Malia or Lydia.

 **Scott** : …

 **Stiles** : Scott?

 **Scott** : *takes out wrench*

 **Stiles** : Where’d you get that?

 **Scott** : This is yours? *leans in and whispers* _Theo’s trying to get me to believe you killed Donovan in a fit of rage._

 **Stiles** : _Seriously? What is he, stupid? You know me better than that._

 **Scott** : _Yeah, I know, but go with it._ *normal voice* Why didn’t you tell me?

 **Stiles** : _Is he listening?_

 **Scott** : _Pretty sure, yeah._

 **Stiles** : I was going to.

 **Scott** : Why didn’t you tell me what happened?

 **Stiles** : I couldn’t. _He attacked me, I fought back. He chased me into the library and fell onto the scaffolding. There wasn’t anything I could do._

 **Scott** : You killed him? You killed Donovan? _That’s what you were trying to tell me at Eichen House._

 **Stiles** : _No shit._ Yeah, but he was going to kill my dad. Was I supposed to do, just let him?

 **Scott** : You weren’t supposed to do this. None of us are. _Sorry, I’ve been so caught up in my own thing, I should have listened to you._

 **Stiles** : _Yeah, you should have._ You think I had a choice?

 **Scott** : There’s always a choice. _I’ll make it up to you later._

 **Stiles** : Well, I can’t do what you can, Scott. I know you wouldn’t have done it. You probably would have just figured something out _. *makes hand signal for blow job*_

 **Scott** : _*thumbs up*_ I would have tried.

 **Stiles** : Yeah, because you’re Scott McCall. You’re the True Alpha! Guess what? All of us can’t be True Alpha’s. Some of us have to make mistakes. Some of us have to get our hands a little bloody sometimes. Some of us are human!

 **Scott** : You had to kill him? _You are so hot right now._

 **Stiles** : _Down, boy._ Scott, he was gonna kill my dad.

 **Scott** : But the way that it happened. At some point, it’s not self defense anymore.

 **Stiles** : What are you talking about? I didn’t have a choice, Scott. You don’t even believe me, do you? _Speaking of Theo…_

 **Scott** : _No one said anything about Theo._ I want to.

 **Stiles** : Okay, Christ, so, believe me. Scott, say you believe me. Say it. Say you believe me. _Come on, say it._

 **Scott** : _No._ Stiles, we can’t kill people that we’re trying to save.

 **Stiles** : _We had a bet. You lost. Say it._ Say you believe me.

 **Scott** : You can’t kill people. Do you believe that? _Fine, you were right about Theo._

 **Stiles** : _Forgetting something?_ What do I do about this? What do you want me to do, okay? Scott, just… tell me how to fix this, alright? Just tell me, what do you want me to do? _Come on, Scotty, you know what I want to hear._

 **Scott** : _You were right… Alpha._ Don’t worry about Malia or Lydia. Find… maybe, uh… maybe you should talk to your dad.

 **Stiles** : *kisses Scott* _That’s right, I am. Now get in there and play the wounded Werewolf. We’ll meet back at your place later to figure out how to deal with Theo._

 

** Episode 10: Status Asthmaticus **

**Scott** : So, he’s here for my pack?

 **Stiles** : Most of it.

 **Scott** : Does he have any idea what he’s getting himself into?

 **Stiles** : He thinks they’ll be the perfect killing machine.

 **Scott** : Killing machine?

 **Stiles** : Oh, yeah. “I came for the Werecoyote. The one whose first instinct is to kill. I came for the Banshee, the girl surrounded by death. I came for the dark Kitsune, for the beta with anger issues. I came for void Stiles.”

 **Scott** : Malia? I mean, she’s good in a fight, but outside of that, all she wants to do is cuddle. I have to pry her off you with a crow bar in our downtime. Not to mention the presents she keeps leaving on our doorsteps.

 **Stiles** : I found the cutest dead squirrel this morning.

 **Scott** : And Lydia just wants to have sex with Parish. I don’t know whether to warn him or congratulate him, because her entire end game at this point is a bed, Parish, and condoms.

 **Stiles** : The bed is optional. If he wanted to throw down on the Nemeton – minus the dead bodies – I’m pretty sure she’d go for it. Actually, the, uh… the dead bodies might not be a deal breaker.

 **Scott** : Kira…

 **Stiles** : Our little bondage princess?

 **Scott** : Her fox spirit can be intense, but she always, always respects the safe word. The Nogitsune yelled Funshine and she hesitated. And Liam. He wants _Liam_?

 **Stiles** : I know. I mean, there’s no denying the kid has anger issues, but on the inside he’s just the cutest little whipped puppy dog.

 **Liam** : I’m right here.

 **Scott** : And Void!Stiles? More like Slut!Stiles.

 **Stiles** : Hey!

 **Scott** : Dude, I love you and I mean that in the nicest possible way, but, come on.

 **Stiles** : *resigned sigh* That’s fair.

 **Scott** : Did you at least tell him what he’s signing up for?

 **Stiles** : Nah, it’ll be more fun to watch him figure it out on his own. Now, it’s the mid-season wrap up and you know what that means.

 **Liam** : Can I go?

 **Stiles** : Did you hear something?

 **Scott** : No. Why, did you?

 **Stiles** : Nope.

 **Liam** : Really, guys?

 **Stiles** : About that bet.

 **Scott** : …yes.

 **Stiles** : Yes, what?

 **Scott** : Yes, Alpha.

 **Stiles** : That’s right. This is gonna be so much fun.

 **Liam** : Okay, you’ve made your point. I’m sorry I tried to kill Scott. Just… someone take the chains off or… Guys, I can’t even cover my ears like this and that’s… oh, god, I did not need to see that. Malia, could you maybe put down the camera and help me?

 **Malia** : Shut up, small one, I’m busy.

 **Liam** : I hate you all so much.


	7. Season 5b

** Episode 11: Last Chimera **

*talking about Theo*

 **Parish** :  Does anyone even know how to find him?

 **Stiles** :  We don’t have to find him.  He’ll come to me.

 **Scott** :  Or _on_ you.

 **Stiles** :  Dude, what the hell?  Not cool.

 **Scott** :  Sorry.

 **Stiles** :  He almost killed my dad.  If anything, he’s coming _in_ me.

 **Scott** :  That’s what I’m talkin’ about.  Bring it here.

 **Scott** / **Stiles** : *high five*

 **Parish** :  How is that…

 **Mrs. McCall** :  Don’t.  Just… don’t.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Theo** : *steps over mountain ash dramatically, smiles at Stiles*

 **Stiles** :  Oh, hell, no.  It’s flashbacks of Peter all over again.  Scott?  Scott, get down here!

 **Scott** :  What?  Are you okay?  Did he hurt you?

 **Stiles** :  No, he’s trying to tempt me with his creepy stalker eyes.

 **Scott** : …and?

 **Stiles** :  I already have an evil ex, a missing boyfriend, a socially awkward girlfriend, and a best friend with benefits.  I don’t need to add creepy chimera stalker to my growing list of complicated relationships.

 **Theo** :  I wasn’t trying to tempt him!  I was going for evil, not creepy stalker.

 **Scott** :  Show me what you did, exactly the way you did it.

 **Theo** :  *steps back, re-enters*

 **Scott** :  I think I see the problem.  Go stand with Stiles.

 **Stiles** : Dude!

 **Scott** :  Right, sorry.  Stand a few feet away from Stiles.  Now watch my face.  See how I’m not smirking and raising my eyebrows?  And don’t hesitate too long at the doorway; you want suspense, not foreplay.  Step through assertively, don’t slow roll it, and keep your body language closed off, not open.  Open means it’s an invitation.  Invitations are for…

 **Theo** :  Creepy stalkers, I get it.  Okay, let me try again.  *steps through doorway*

 **Scott** :  That’s better.  Stiles, wasn’t that better?

 **Stiles** :  Much.

 **Theo** :  Thanks.  Wait, aren’t you supposed to be dead?

 

 

** Episode 12: Damnatio Memoriae **

**Stiles** : *wakes up in an eerily quiet hospital next to suspiciously empty bed* Oh, man, if this is a dream, it had better end in sexy fun times.

 

_-and-_

 

 

*in the morgue*

 **Sheriff** :  You won’t.  Not entirely.  But you can get a little bit by forgiving yourself and since that’s not always the easiest thing in the world to do, then maybe you start by forgiving someone else.  Someone who probably really needs it.

 **Stiles** : Someone like Scott.

*hugs*

 **Stiles** :   So, when you say you’re learning to bend, does that mean you’re more open to my relationship?

 **Sherriff** : You mean the polyamorous love hexagon you’ve got going with Scott and his entire pack?

 **Stiles** : Yeah.

 **Sherriff** : No.

 **Stiles** :  But…

 **Sherriff** :  Son, I love you and there is nothing you can do that will ever change that, but the thought of you having sex with _anyone_ is terrifying, let alone an entire pack of were-creatures.  You’ll understand some day, when you have kids of your own.

 **Stiles** :  Oh, speaking of which.

 **Sherriff** :  Stiles…

 **Stiles** :  I’m kidding!  Polyamory’s not looking so bad now, huh?

 **Sherriff** : You’re grounded.  For a month.

 **Stiles** : Worth it.

 

_-and-_

 

*at the station*

 **Hayden** :  That’s my sister.  I have to go.

 **Theo** :  Anything else you want to tell me.

 **Hayden** :  You’re a cum sucking douche nozzle.

 **Theo** :  What?

 **Hayden** :  You’re a stain on the face of existence and there isn’t enough bleach to make reality feel clean again.

 **Theo** :  Okay, when I asked if there was anything you wanted to tell me, I didn’t mean…

 **Hayden** :  And that color really washes out your complexion.

 **Theo** :  Are you done?

 **Hayden** :  You’re a creep.

 **Theo** :  Sorry I asked.

 **Hayden** :  You should be.  Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to.

 

 

** Episode 13: Codominance **

**Scott** :  What’s happening?

 **Stiles** :  Um, yeah, we’re out of gas.  That’s out of gas.

 **Scott** :  But we have half a tank

 **Stiles** :  Not necessarily.

 **Scott** :  You didn’t fix the gas gauge?

 **Stiles** :  Not necessarily.

 **Scott** :  Damnit, Stiles.  This is just like that camping trip when you forgot the condoms and lube.

 **Stiles** :  Wha… how is this anything like that?

 **Scott** :  Did you bring the condoms and lube?

 **Stiles** : …Fuck me.

 **Scott** :  Not necessarily.

 

 

** Episode 14: The Sword and the Spirit **

**Malia** : What’s the problem?

 **Braeden** :  Besides the fact that I’ve never seen this place beyond a few areal photos and we’re basically going in blind?  *points gun at Theo*  Him.

 **Theo** : Would you mind not pointing that thing at me?

 **Malia** :  He’s coming with us.

 **Braeden** :  He tried to kill Scott.

 **Theo** :  Technically, I _did_ kill Scott.

 **Braeden** : I should kill you.

 **Theo** : Won’t happen with a shotgun.

 **Malia** :  Stop, both of you.  It’s like really inappropriate flirting.  With guns.

 **Braeden** :  I’m not flirting with him.  I’m threatening his life.

 **Malia** :  Which is apparently a turn on for him.

 **Theo** :  *smirks* Hey.

 **Braeden** :  Oh, god, do we really need him?

 **Malia** :  *sighs* Yes.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** :  There’s a turn you keep passing, it’s easy to miss.

 **Liam** :  How many times did you watch me pass it?

 **Scott** :  Five. 

 **Liam** :  *embarrassed*

 **Scott** :  It’s just… You’re really cute when you’re confused and I’ve missed your lost puppy dog eyes.  I miss you.

 **Liam** :  I miss you, too.

 **Scott** :  Who’s my beta?

 **Liam** :  I’m your beta.

 **Scott** :  Get over here and give me a hug.  Let’s go see if we can find this place together.

 **Liam** :  Hey, does Stiles miss me too?

 **Scott** :  Yeah, but don’t tell him I told you.

 **Liam** :  Thanks.

 

 

** Episode 15: Amplification **

*practicing on light bulbs at the school*

 **Malia** :  Don’t change the subject.  Do your thing.

 **Kira** :  *pouts* Can’t we just make out instead?

 **Malia** : No.

 **Kira** : But I’m good at that.

 **Malia** : Yes, you are. *holds up light bulb*

 **Kira** : I brought handcuffs.

 **Malia** :  Fine, but after we make out, you’re going to practice.

 

 

 

** Episode 16: Lie Ability **

*searching the sewers*

 **Theo** :  What do you smell down here, Stiles.

 **Stiles** :  Chemicals and fecal matter.  Although, I’m pretty sure the fecal matter’s you.

 **Theo** :  You say the nicest things.

 **Stiles** :  Now you’re just trying to be creepy.

 **Theo** :  Is it making you uncomfortable?

 **Stiles** :  Very.

 **Theo** :  Good.

 

_-and-_

 

*at Deacon’s clinic*

 **Lydia** : *screams and breaks all the windows, falls back on table*

 **Stiles** : …

 **Deacon** : …

 **Scott** : Now that’s what I call a blow job.

 **Stiles** :  Dude.

 **Scott** :  I’m sorry.

 **Stiles** :  She could be dead.

 **Scott** :  You know I say really inappropriate things when I’m nervous.

 

 

** Episode 17: A Credible Threat **

**Mason** : People like me need people like you to save our asses.  And, uh, *looks Corey up and down*  fuck our asses.

 **Corey** :  Really?

 **Mason** :  Worship our asses.

 **Corey** :  Oh, okay.

 **Mason** :  Spank our asses?

 **Corey** :  I’m starting to see your point.

 **Mason** :  Yeah?

 **Corey** :  Want to take this into the shower? 

 **Mason** :  Definitely.

 

 

** Episode 18: Maid of Gevaudan **

**Lydia** :  Wait, wait, wait.  That’s it?  I listened to that whole story, an hour of you yammering on and for what? 

 **Gerard** :  So that you could learn the secret of how to kill the Beast.

 **Lydia** :  You could have just told me that I needed some ancient spear instead of wasting an entire hour of my life.

 **Gerard** :  Yes, but then I wouldn’t have been able to use my puppets.  *holds up puppets of Mary-Jeanne and Henri Argent*  So, as I was saying, Marie never left Henri after the death of her brother and their relationship became more than a partnership. *puppet makeout session*

 **Lydia** :  That is wrong on so many levels.

 **Chris** :  You should have seen the puppet show he gave on safe sex.  *shudders*

 

 

 

** Episode 19: The Only Villains to Survive **

*teaching Theo to take power*

 **Deucalion** :  You take till there’s nothing more to give.  That’s where you find the spark of power and then you take that as well.  Pain, life, power.  In that order and…

 **Josh** : Then the oral sex!

 **Deucalion** : …

 **Theo** : …

 **Josh** : Oh, sorry, I thought we were doing Monty Python again.  My bad.

 

_-and-_

 

*after killing Josh*

 **Theo** : What do you think? 

 **Tracy** :  I think he was small and inexperienced and if you’ve got his power now, you can put on the mask.

 **Theo** :  Oh, man, I didn’t even think about that.  Bonus!

 **Tracy** :  What do you mean you didn’t think about it?  Why did you kill him then?

 **Theo** :  Because he was annoying.  I mean, come on, you can’t tell me you weren’t at least a little tired of all the ‘I don’t want to put the mask on.  If it’s so safe, you do it.  Blah blah blah.’  Am I right?

 **Tracy** : Um… *looks at Deucalion*

 **Deucalion** : *shrugs*

 **Tracy** :  Okay.

 **Theo** :  Man, this is like the best day ever. 

 

 

 

** Episode 20:  Apotheosis **

**Scott** :  Can you keep him alive?

 **Liam** :  Screw keeping him alive, how do we get him to talk?

 **Stiles** :  Personally, I don’t think we utilize torture nearly enough.

 **Scott** : That’s because you usually offer to trade sex for information.

 **Everyone** :  *looks at Stiles*

 **Stiles** :  No!

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** :  So, that’s it.  That’s a wrap on the season.

 **Stiles** :  I guess so.

 **Scott** :  Everyone’s alive.

 **Stiles** :  Even Mason.  Him and Corey are adorable.  Reminds me of when we were young and in lust.

 **Scott** :  Speaking of adorable, have you seen how jealous Liam is of Corey?

 **Liam** : I’m not jealous.

 **Stiles** :  *ignores Liam* I know.  Just look at Corey over there, playing video games with Hayden and Mason while Liam’s over here pouting.

 **Liam** :  I’m not pouting.

 **Scott** : Then what are you doing?  Because, before you came over here, Stiles and I were full on making out.  We were two minutes away from getting a room.

 **Stiles** :  Or seeing what we could get away with doing under the covers.

 **Scott** :  And then you sat down next to us.

 **Stiles** :  Which, by the way, is the very definition of a cock-block.

 **Liam** :  How do you guys do it?

 **Stiles** :  Well, you see, Liam, boys have a penis and when they get excited…

 **Scott** :  *swats Stiles* Do what?

 **Liam** :  This!  You guys are together, but Scott’s with Kira, and Stiles is with Derek, but also Malia, even though he’s in love with Lydia, but Malia doesn’t seem to mind that, because they’re getting it on downstairs on the couch and there’s some guy named Isaac I’ve never met and… wait, where are you going?!

 **Scott** :  You just said Malia and Lydia are having sex _with each other_ and you really need to ask where we’re going?

 **Liam** :  *sighs*

 **Stiles** :  Be patient, young Padawan, you’ll figure it out eventually.  In the meantime, go play video games with your friends.

 **Scott** :  And don’t come downstairs for at least half an hour.


	8. Season 6a

** Episode 1: Memory Lost **

*medic putting brace on Stiles*

 **Sheriff** :  What in the hell were you two thinking?

 **Scott** :  Just trying to help.

 **Sheriff** :  Why don’t you help me understand what the hell happened here?

 **Stiles** :  Alright, well, we were trying to gently persuade him to cooperate.

 **Scott** :  Yeah!  And then he politely suggested that he’d feel more cooperative if Stiles sucked him off.

 **Stiles** :  And Scott valiantly defended my honor, which, thank you, Scott.

 **Scott** :  You’re welcome.

 **Sheriff** :  Boys!  Define defending your honor.

 **Stiles** :  He wolfed out and the guy made a break for it and Scott literally jumped on the truck to stop it, because no one fucks with his best friend.

 **Scott** :  With benefits.

 **Stiles** :  Best friend with benefits.

 **Sheriff** :  *pinches nose*  I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

 **Stiles** :  Well…

 **Sheriff** :  Don’t answer that.

 **Stiles** :  Right.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** :  You want to split up

 **Stiles** :  Uh, absolutely not.

 **Scott** :  You want to have wall sex in the creepy house?

 **Stiles** : Really, Scott?  What do you take me for?

 **Scott** :  A horny teenager with a kink for being manhandled?

 **Stiles** :  That… is not entirely inaccurate.  But, no.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** : *to Lydia* Lydia, you’re so smart, I could kiss you right now.

 **Lydia** : Do not kiss me.

 **Stiles** :  Not gonna… *kisses her* Did it anyway.

 **Lydia** :  Damnit, Stiles!  I know where that mouth has been!

 **Stiles** :  Worth it!

 

 

 

** Episode 2: Superposition **

**Mason** :  Look, you work two jobs and dying didn’t exactly help your GPA.  So, I don’t know, all you need is a little help.

 **Corey** :  You’re… doing this for me?

 **Mason** :  Are you mad?

 **Corey** :  Furious. *smiles*

*kissing*

 **Mason** :  You know if you’re, uh, really mad, we could have hate sex like, right now.  Right here.

 **Corey** :  Yeah?

 **Jake** :  Uh, guys, we’re still here.

 **Corey** :  Did you hear something?

 **Mason** :  Nope. *continues kissing*

 

_-and-_

 

 **Mr. Douglas** :  Whatcha doin’?

 **Scott** :  Nothing, just… checkin’ out this locker and… suddenly realizing you’re kind of creepy.  Are you new here?

 **Mr. Douglas** :  Relatively.

 **Scott** :  Are you evil?

 **Mr. Douglas** :  Now if I was, would I tell you?

 **Scott** :  I’m getting a definite evil vibe.

 **Mr. Douglas** : Are you, though?

 **Scott** :  … Okay, I’m just gonna… *points to door*

 **Mr. Douglas** :  Bye, Scott.

 **Scott** : *runs*

 

 

** Episode 3: Sundowning **

**Liam** :  We can’t keep her safe at Nathan’s.  We need a place where Supernaturals can’t get in.

 **Mason** :  I know a place.  The safest place.

 **Liam** :  So, not your pants then? *to Hailey*  Am I right?

 **Mason/Hayden** : …

 **Liam** :  What?

 **Mason** :  That doesn’t even make sense.  I’m gay.

 **Liam** :  No, because…

 **Hayden** :  I love you, but leave the banter up to Scott and his merry band of ne’er-do-wells.

 **Mason** :  *chuckles*

 **Liam** :  How is that funny and I’m not?

 **Hayden** :  Sh. *puts a finger on his mouth* You just sit there and look pretty.

 **Liam** :  *pouts*

 

 

** Episode 4: Relics **

**Malia** :  Give me the stun gun.

 **Argent** :  Can you think of a less seizure inducing way?

 **Malia** :  It’s that or an orgy.

 **Argent** :  *hands her the stun gun*

 

 

** Episode 5: Radio Silence **

**Peter** :  I’ve been missing for three months and no one came for me?

 **Stiles** :  It’s what the ghost riders do.  They erase you, plus, you were kind of a dick to me when we saw you last time so…

 **Peter** :  You dumped me for my nephew.

 **Stiles** :  Because you were being a creepy pedophile.

 **Peter** :  Don’t pretend you didn’t love it.

 **Stiles** :  Yeah, no I did, but still.

 **Peter** :  … Really?

 **Stiles** :  You also tried to kill people, so, you know, your bad.

 **Peter** :  Unbelievable.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Peter** :  In case you’re keeping count, that’s twice I’ve saved your life today.

 **Stiles** :  What do you want, a medal?

 **Peter** :  I’d settle for a blowjob.

 **Stiles** :  …

 **Peter** :  Well?

 **Stiles** :  I’m thinking about it!

 

 

** Episode 6: Ghosted **

**Liam** :  We did and we’ve got a lot more to tell you if you really want to fight back.

 **Mr. Douglas** :  *slow smile*  I do.

 **Liam** :  Uh, Hailey?

 **Hayden** :  Hm?

 **Liam** :  I think Scott was right, that is a _super_ creepy bad guy smile.

 **Hayden** :  Don’t be jealous, Liam. *happy sigh*

 **Liam** :  Man, I hate this place.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Hayden** :  If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, you’re insane.

 **Liam** :  I know it’s insane, but I need you with me on this.

 **Hayden** :  Why? Because it’s easier to dig up a dead body with two people?

 **Liam** :  Wow!  Who said anything about digging up a dead body?

 **Hayden** :  Isn’t that what you meant?

 **Liam** :  No!  God, no, I meant we get Kira’s sword.

 **Hayden** :  Oh!  That is a much better idea than the one I though you had.

 **Liam** :  And then we use it to resurrect Theo.

 **Hayden** :  Really?  *walks away*

 **Liam** :  Hailey, come on, just hear me out.  Hailey!  *chases after her*

 

 

** Episode 7: Heartless **

**Ms. Martin** :  If Claudia isn’t real, you don’t want to be the one to tell him.

 **Lydia** :  What if I did it with a song?

 **Ms. Martin** :  A song?

 **Lydia** :  Everything’s better in song.

 

_-later-_

 

 **Lydia** :  *singing* And your wife is a ghost that you conjured, to fill a desperate void left by your dead son.  Except he’s not really dead, he’s just been erased, which is kind of the same thing, but not really. *end singing* It’s not a very good song, I didn’t have a lot of time to work on it, but you get the gist.

 **Sheriff** :  *stares*

 **Lydia** :  Not better?

 **Sheriff** :  No!

 

 

** Episode 8: Blitzkrieg **

**Peter** :  I like the plan, especially the part about biting Stiles…

 **Scott** :  Why do you always have to make it creepy?

 **Peter** :  Because I can.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Sheriff** :  The first time he took a spin behind the wheel, he… he went straight into a ditch.  I gave him his first roll of duct tape that day.

 **Scott** :  That’s the same roll of duct tape we used the first time we tried bondage.

 **Sheriff** :  Too much information, Scott.

 **Scott** :  Fair enough.

 

 

** Episode 9: Memory Found **

**Lydia** :  He’s getting lost in the memories.

 **Scott** :  *moans*

 **Lydia** :  …Sex memories.  He’s getting lost in sex memories.  Really, Scott?  We ask you to remember Stiles and that’s all you can think of.

 **Scott** :  I can’t help it.

 **Malia** :  He really can’t.  It’s like all they do.

 **Lydia** : …I’m surrounded by idiots.

 **Malia** : Hey!

 **Lydia** :  Not you, them.

 **Malia** :  Ah, right.  Good.

 

 

 

 

** Episode 10: Riders on the Storm **

**Liam** :  There’s something you need to see.  I can’t explain it,

 **Scott** :  Liam, I told you, you’re a werewolf.  You can’t get sexually transmitted diseases.  …

 **Liam** :  No!  Come on, I’m being serious.

 **Scott** :  Fine.  You two stay here.

 

_-and-_

 

*Theo attacks Ghost Rider*

 **Liam** :  Hey, you made it out!

 **Theo** :  Yeah, barely! What’s the plan?

 **Liam** :  Steal a horse and get to the hunt.  Also, you look really different with your hair like that. 

 **Theo** :  You’re kidding, right?

 **Liam** :  No.  I can’t decide if it’s good or bad.  The bangs are really throwing me off.

 **Theo** :  About the plan!

 **Liam** :  Oh, right.  *shrug*

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** :  So, only half a season left?

 **Scott** :  Looks like.

 **Stiles** :  I can’t decide if I’m excited or terrified to see what they have for us next season.

 **Scott** :  I’d go with terrified.

 **Stiles** :  Why can’t it ever be something cute, like kittens?

 **Scott** :  Kittens?

 **Stiles** :  Do you know how hard it is to get anything done with an adorable little kitten pawing at you, demanding your love and affection?  The entire town would shut down and what do we do about it?  You can’t kill the kittens.  They’re kittens.

 **Scott** :  *grins* Hey, Stiles?

 **Stiles** :  Yeah?

 **Scott** :  There’s something I want, no, _need_ to ask you.

 **Stiles** :  You look really serious all of a sudden.  Should I be worried?  I’m worried.

 **Scott** :  No, it’s not… well, I don’t think it’s bad.  That kinda depends on you.  *takes a deep breath*  When you were gone, Deaton said it was like I had phantom limb syndrome.

 **Stiles** :  That thing where people can still feel missing limbs?

 **Scott** :  Yeah, so him saying that made me realize that… and I didn’t understand it right away, because I didn’t remember you, but when I did, I knew that… I love you.

 **Stiles** :  I love you too, dude.

 **Scott** :  No, not just as a best friend with benefits or a brother… with benefits?

 **Stiles** :  Never say that again.

 **Scott** :  More like I’m in love with you.  You’re my soulmate, Stiles, in a _very_ non-platonic way.  I can’t do this or anything without you by my side and I know we’re going to different schools and everything, but I thought maybe we could… that you’d…

 **Stiles** :  What?

 **Scott** :  Be my boyfriend?

 **Stiles** :  Oh, come on!  Lydia just agreed to go out with me!  Now you want me to tell her I have _another_ boyfriend, on top of the one I already have that I can’t find?

 **Scott** :  No, of course, you’re right.  I don’t want to come between you and…

 **Stiles** :  Scott?  I’m kidding.  I love you.  I’ve always loved you.  Of course I’ll be your boyfriend.

 **Scott** :  Really?!  I know long distance is hard, but we’ll make it work and after I graduate, I can start my practice anywhere.  We’ll move in together – you, me, Lydia, Kira, if she’s back from the Skinwalkers – we’ll get an apartment…

 **Stiles** :  Wow, hold up there, big boy, one step at a time.  Let’s start with not dying this summer.

 **Scott** :  And having boyfriendsex?

 **Stiles** :  _Lots_ of boyfriend sex.


	9. Season 6b

** Episode 11: Said the Spider to the Fly **

**Scott** :  What three things can not long be hidden?

 **Liam** :  The sun, the moon, the truth.

 **Scott** :  Again.

 **Liam** :  The sun, the moon… and Scott’s epic gay love for his best friend Stiles Sti…

 **Scott** :  Liam.

 **Liam** :  Fine, the truth.

 **Scott** :  Better.

 **Liam** :  And you epic gay love for…

 **Scott** :  *tackles Liam*

 

_-and-_

 

*while hell hounds are fighting*

 **Liam** : Get behind me.

 **Mason** : Wait, that’s a…

 **Liam** : Hellhound.

 **Mason** :  I was gonna say ridiculously hot man, but yeah, hellhound works.

 **Liam** :  Really?  Now?

 **Mason** :  I’ve learned to find the humor in dangerous situations. *Halwyn throws Parish against locker* Come on, you can’t tell me that isn’t hot.

 **Liam** :  I can and I will.  *Halwyn throws Parish into room* I mean, I’d be lying, but still.

 

 

** Episode 12: Raw Talent **

*Liam and Bret land on top of Corey on soccer field*

 **Mason** :  Oh!  Was that Liam, Bret, or Corey?

 **Lori** : I think that was all of them.

 **Mason** :  Is it wrong that I’m kind of jealous of my boyfriend right now?

 **Lori** : You have issues.

 **Mason** :  That’s fair.

 **Lori** : But, also, totally understandable.  My brother is pretty hot.

 **Mason** :  You are my new favorite person.

 **Lori** : Aw, thanks!

 

_-and-_

 

 **Argent** : How did you find me?

 **Malia** :  He did it.

 **Scott** :  You left your computer in the bunker.

 **Argent** :  I guess I need a new password.

 **Scott** :  Yeah, and maybe do a better job of hiding your… mostly naked pics.  I really didn’t need to know how well you fill out a speedo.

 **Argent** :  You snooped around my personal files?

 **Scott** :  *points to Malia* She did it.

 **Malia** :  *shrugs* It was labeled private.  Don’t leave a folder like that on your desktop if you don’t want people opening it.

 **Argent** :  After we track down the killers, you and I are having a talk about respecting peoples’ privacy.

 

 

** Episode 13: After Images **

**Argent** :  I shoulda called.

 **Mellissa** :  But you didn’t and that’s okay.  Should I have called?

 **Argent** :  Did you wanna call?

 **Mellissa** :  Yeah, I wanted to call.

 **Argent** :  So did I.

 **Mellissa** :  Good.

 **Argent** :  Yeah?

 **Mellissa** :  Yeah.  Okay.  Good, that is good information to have.

 **Argent** :  I should go. 

 **Mellissa** :  You don’t have to go.   *puts her hand on Argent’s shoulder*

 **Argent** :  What about Scott?

 **Mellissa** :  He’s eighteen.  I think he’s old enough to deal with his mom having a mature sexual relationship with another consenting adult.

 **Argent** :  No one is ever old enough for that.

 **Mellissa** :  Okay, how about this?  I have had five years of walking in on him and his friends getting freaky in my house and I think a little payback is in order.

 **Argent** :  Well, when you put it that way.

 **Mellissa** :  I do put it that way and you can put it over there, on the kitchen counter.  And by ‘it’, I’m talking about me, and by ‘put’, I mean have sex with.

 **Argent** :  Got it.

 

 

** Episode 14: Face-to-Faceless **

**Argent** :  Then you’re going to have to find out just how much you’re willing to give and how far you’re willing to go to stop a war.

 **Scott** :  *closes eyes and takes deep breath* Wait.  *sniffs* You… Why do you smell like my mom?!

 **Argent** :  *smirks* She said to tell you we used a condom.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Scott** :  Malia, I have to try this.  All I want to do is to get Monroe to trust us.  She created this peace summit and I have to go. I’m going alone.  *start starts to leave, stops at the door* And while I’m gone, bleach this house until I can’t smell my mom and Argent having sex.  It’s everywhere.  The kitchen, the bathroom – burn the sofa, it’s a total lose.

 **Malia** :  You’re over reacting.

 **Scott** :  It’s my mom.  And Argent.

 **Malia** :  Honestly, I can hardly get their scent over the smell of you and Stiles.

 **Scott** :  That’s different.

 **Malia** : And Allison and Isaac and Kira…

 **Scott** :  They were…

 **Malia** : …and Lydia and me.  Did I leave anyone out?

 **Scott** : *mumbles*

 **Malia** :  What was that?

 **Scott** :  Derek.

 **Malia** :  Right!  And Derek.  So maybe let your mom have this one and focus on not getting yourself killed.

 **Scott** :  Fine.

 **Malia** :  I’m sorry, what was that?  I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your own self pity.

 **Scott** :  You’re mean today.

 **Malia** :  *crosses her arms over her chest* You like it.

 **Scott** :  *grins* I kinda do. 

 

 

** Episode 15: Pressure Test **

**Scott** :  My dad had to believe we left Beacon Hills.  Everyone did.

 **Mason** :  What happens next?  We fight back now, right?

 **Scott** :  What did you think we were gonna do?

 **Mason** :  Have an orgy.

 **Scott** : Huh?

 **Malia** :  It’s not a bad idea.

 **Scott** :  What?

 **Lydia** :  It would certainly boost pack moral.

 **Theo** :  I’m in.

 **Malia** :  You’re out.  You can stand guard.

 **Scott** :  I never said…

 **Liam** :  I don’t want to be in.

 **Malia** :  Then you can stand guard with Theo and make sure he doesn’t stab us in the back.

 **Theo** :  What does a guy have to do to earn some trusted around here?

 **Lydia** : Hm, how about you go an entire year without trying to kill one of our friends and then we’ll talk?

 **Theo** :  *angry pout*

 **Corey** :  *to Mason* Oh, baby, it’s our first pack orgy!

 **Scott** : Fine, first a pack orgy, but then we fight.

 **Malia** :  Stiles’ll be so mad we didn’t call him.

 

 

** Episode 16: Triggers **

**Malia** : Then how are we supposed to get inside

 **Everyone** :  …

 **Malia** :  If Stiles was here, he’d offer to distract them with sex.

 **Lydia** :  It wouldn’t work.

 **Scott** :  He’d get captured.

 **Malia** :  And we’d have to break in to rescue him.  I miss Stiles.

 **Scott** :  I miss him, too.

 **Lydia** :  I told you we should have called him.

 **Argent** : Are you done?  Like it or not, Stiles isn’t here and we still need a way to get in.

 

 

** Episode 17: Werewolves of London **

**Monroe** : What do you want with Scott McCall?

 **Jackson** : Oh, that is a loaded question, lady.  I want a lot of things.

 **Ethan** : Jackson…

 **Jackson** : I want to find out if that ass of his is as tight as it looks.

 **Ethan** : We’re being _tortured_ …

 **Jackson** : I want to find out how far back that throat goes.

 **Ethan** : I really don’t think now is the time to…

 **Jackson** : I want to show him how we do it in Europe.

 **Ethan** : *rolls eyes with a sigh*

 **Jackson** : But, mostly, I want to borrow him for a night and give my man Ethan here the best damn anniversary sex he has ever had.

 **Ethan** : That… is so sweet.  Baby, I had no idea.

 **Jackson** : It was supposed to be a surprise.

 **Ethan** : Does Scott know?

 **Jackson** : Does he need to?

 **Ethan** : Best boyfriend ever.

 

 

** Episode 18: Broken Glass Part 1 **

*stalking around school halls*

 **Maintenance Man** :  *stares*

 **Scott** :  *stares*

 **Maintenance Man** :  Do I need to leave?

 **Scott** :  I… have no idea what you’re…

 **Maintenance Man** :  You think I don’t see what goes on around here.  Kid, I repair the damage you do to this school every year.  Do you have any idea the number of bullets I’ve dug out of walls, the claw marks I’ve have to patch, the windows I’ve replaced?  I’ve re-poured the concrete subfloor more times than I can count.  So, level with me.  Do I need to leave?

 **Scott** : …yeah.  It’s probably a good idea.

 **Maintenance Man** :  *nods*  Good luck, then.

-The Beacon Hills High School Maintenance Man, the unsung hero of Teen Wolf.-

 

** Episode 19: Broken Glass Part 2 **

**Noland** : Okay, I’m going.

 **Liam** : Wow, What about your plan?

 **Noland** : Nobody saw you come in with me.

 **Liam** : So?

 **Noland** : So, I don’t have to get my ass kicked.

 **Liam** : Well, it was the only part of the plan I liked.

 **Noland** : …

 **Liam** : Go.

 **Noland** : *starts to walk off* Hey, uh, if you survive this, do you wanna maybe, I don’t know, go get drinks or… or something?  Maybe?

 **Liam** : Are you hitting on me?

 **Noland** : No!  Not… yeah.  I’m sorry, it’s just you’ve had multiple opportunities to kick me ass and you haven’t and I thought… but if I was wrong…

 **Liam** : Hey, first of all, just because someone _doesn’t_ kick your ass isn’t a sign that you should ask them out.  That is all kinds of wrong.

 **Noland** : *looks down*

 **Liam** : Second? … If we survive this?  Get back to me.

 **Noland** : Really?

 **Liam** : No!  But maybe we can be friends.

 **Noland** : *smiles*

 **Liam** : Emphasis on the maybe.  Now get out of here before my friends get here.

 

 

** Episode 20: The Wolves of War **

**Alex** : What’s next?  Your story, how does it end?

 **Scott** : In a _Hale_ of bullets. *chuckles*

 **Argent** : Scott, we talked about this.

 **Scott** :  I thought it was pretty good. 

 **Argent** :  No.  You now what?

 **Scott** :  Hey, wait, why are you pulling over?

 **Argent** : I’m gonna shoot you.  This is how his story ends, kid, with a bad pun that sent me over the edge.

 **Scott** :  Stop it, you’re scaring him. Don’t listen to him.  He’s just mad because my boyfriend showed up with his other boyfriend and saved us all.

 **Argent** :  Just because I won’t put the bullet somewhere lethal, doesn’t mean I won’t shoot you.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Stiles** : I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this.  Not any of this.  Not a single word.

 **Lydia** :  We had reasons

 **Malia** :  Just wait till you find out about the orgy.

 **Stiles** :  There was an _orgy_!? *to Scott* You are in big trouble, mister.  Big trouble.

 

_-and-_

 

*Theo takes Gabes pain*

 **Narrator** : And that’s how Theo became a real boy.

 

_-and-_

 

 **Alex** :  Are they all… different?

 **Scott** :  Some of them are.  Some can do things you’d never believe.  And others might only be human…

 **Stiles** : *winks*

 **Lydia** :  Stop that, you’ll encourage him.

 **Scott** :  …but they make up for it by being really smart.  Or really good in a fight.  Or being really good at giving head.  And the reach around – he’s got great hands.  And he does this thing with his feet, I mean, even minus a toe, it’s pretty…

 **Lydia** :  Can you stop?

 **Liam** :  Yeah, can we be serious for once?  We’ve only got two minutes left.

 **Scott** : What?  I was just making it very clear that Stiles is more than just any human.

 **Stiles** : That’s right.  *smirks*

 **Derek** : Don’t smile like that.

 **Stiles** :  What?  Why?  I am all those things.

 **Derek** :  You’re also a pain in my ass.

 **Stiles** :  When you beg nicely I am.

 **Derek** :  I don’t beg.

 **Lydia** :  *coughs into hand* Bullshit

 **Scott** :  I was giving a heart felt speech and look what you guys turned it into?

 **Malia** :  You turned it into that.  A few months apart from Stiles and every time you see him, you get all glossy eyed and spouting off at the mouth about how great he is.

 **Scott** :  I’m not that bad!

 **Malia** :  *raises eyebrow*

 **Scott** :  Am I? *looks at Liam*

 **Liam** :  *looks away*

 **Scott** :  Lydia?

 **Lydia** :  *purses her lips*

 **Scott** :  Stiles?

 **Stiles** :  Don’t look at me, I’m the one encouraging it.

 **Scott** :  Fine, okay, maybe I do, but, look at him, can you blame me?

 **Derek/Lydia/Malia** : *collective sign* No.

 **Liam** :  Yes.

 **Alex** :  I’m really confused.  What’s going on here?

 **Scott** :  What I’m trying to say is, you can run or join my pack and fight.

 **Stiles** :  And Scott’s mom makes the best cookies.

 **Scott** :  He’s lying about the cookies.

 **Stiles** :  I’m lying about the cookies, but we say she does, because it makes her feel good.

 **Scott** :  It does and that’s why my mom loves you.

 **Malia** :  Oh, my god, can you two stop?  Alex, we have orgies.  Frequently.

 **Alex** :  I’m in.

 **Lydia** :  We should let her do the recruiting.

 **Derek** :  It would take a lot less time.

 **Liam** :  And we wouldn’t have to listen to Scott talk about how much he loves Stiles.

 **Malia** :  I call a vote, all those in favor?

 **Lydia/Derek/Liam** : *raise hands*

 **Scott** :  That’s not how this works.  _I’m_ the Alpha.

 **Malia** :  And a good Alpha knows how to delegate responsibilities.

 **Stiles** :  She’s right.

 **Malia** :  I am.

 **Derek** :  We should all walk off together, side by side, leaving our cars behind.

 **Stiles** :  Why would we do that?

 **Derek** :  It should also conveniently start raining again.

 **Stiles** :  Again, why?

 **Derek** :  Dramatic affect.

 **Stiles** : That’s not…

 **Derek** :  And I look pretty when I’m wet.

 **Stiles** :  You make a compelling argument.

 **Malia** :  All those in favor?

 **Everyone** : *raises hands*

 **Scott** :  *looks around* So, this is it?

 **Stiles** :  No, man, it’s only the beginning.

 **Lydia** :  *rolls eyes* Could you get any cheesier?

 **Stiles** :  I got one episode this half season.  Deal with it.

 

Everyone walks off into the… well, not the sunset.  It was a dingy, rainy evening, but the point is, they lived happily every after.

 

More or less.

 

 

 

 


End file.
